#and tbh I didn’t want to start them when I was 16 because I thought I would lose all sense of myself

[neon-danger]

Oh well. At least it works for you.

It definitely is not for everyone, I am very lucky in that regard.

[meganelixabethh]

I know I won’t get it- but I want Sunrise on the Reaping to be about Effie Trinket- it would be such a good book!!! All we really know is that the book starts on the 50th reaping and that it’s a look at propaganda. We also know our girl Suzanne only writes when she has something to say- and what better time to make the Effie Trinket Point than now?

Don’t get me wrong- I love to read the fanfics of Effie being disenfranchised from the top of the first book and helping the rebels every step of the way- I live for it- but I also don’t think it’s reality for the canon. Effie Trinket is a character with grey morality at best in the first book. No she’s not organising the games, or planning them, she’s not the iron fist that forces the children to comply nor is she the driving force behind the tradition- hell if she didn’t do it someone else would, right? But she picks the names. She chooses to be close to it. She isn’t as horrified as she should be

SHE. IS. COMPLICIT.

But if you asked her- if you sat her down and said heart of hearts, do you care about these children? She would say yes. She has a complete mental disconnect between the harm she is causing and the compassion she feels for the people being harmed. This is a direct comparison to the modern approach to harm. Just look at Palestine.

I also don’t believe Effie saw anything wrong with the games until one very specific moment. She looked at the glass ball at the 75th reaping and saw a single piece of paper, and she thought ‘this isn’t chance. This isn’t a game. This is a choice and I don’t want to pick up that slip of paper’. I whole heartedly believe it took an emotional closeness to the person being harmed to make her realise all those people were just the same as her- EXACTLY LIKE WE DO IN THE WEST.

Further details under the cut. TW for death, implied SA and pregnancy loss.

So the book starts with the 50th reaping- Effie is between 6 and 16 depending on how old you think she is. I personally think she’s about 8-10. I also think this is the first games where she’s really gotten involved in and is interested in the whole thing from start to finish. She watches the reapings and is absolutely enraptured with Haymitch from the moment he gets on stage- full on little girl crush mode. She follows the whole game and is so happy when he wins. This is the summer she decides she wants to work in the games. She follows the games every summer, gets a glamorous games job in the Capitol when she graduates (I think she went to uni tbh our girl is smart) and then became an escort.

When she’s offered 12 she’s annoyed- after all she’s the darling of the games circuit and she’s put her time in- but 12 is the only job going and if she wants the promotion she needs to take it. She thinks fondly of Haymitch’s games though. She no longer has her little girl crush on him, but she assumes the drunkenness must be an act for the Capitol, some kind of play. When she gets to 12 she realises it’s not. She sees how broken he is. She sees that this destroyed him and she just… doesn’t get it. She develops a fondness for him, still completely believing in the games, and they work together happily enough as far as she’s concerned. She starts dragging him out of bed and shoving him into nice clothes to make the district look good at first, but then she does it because she thinks it might be the only time he has anyone making sure he looks after himself. She is genuinely sad when their tributes die every year. She cries in her room at night after they go, and Haymitch can hear her through the wall when he’s sober enough.

Then the 74th happen. She loves Katniss and Peeta- I fully believe that. She likes them from the beginning, she agrees they have a chance, and when she’s not trying for sponsors, her and Haymitch sit in silence in the penthouse, watching and watching and watching. She grips his hand tightly for hours at a time, eyes almost unblinking and fixed on the screen, knees drawn up to her chest. It’s the first time he sees her as human, and she almost breaks his knuckles during the finale with the mutts. The moment they win, she lets out a breath she didn’t realise she was holding and went to celebrate her first victors. She deliberately turned her face away from the horror because it was easier to not feel the breadth of it. She does exactly what we did to Ukraine. What we continue to do to Palestine.

To be completely clear- she still thinks the games are right through all of this. When she comes back for the victory tour she still thinks this is all fantastic. That mental disconnect is still there. But then eleven happens. If I’m remembering right she gets blood on her and is freaking out about her dress but I would like to see that from her side. I want to see that an innocent man was shot through the head so close to her, his blood and brains splattered across her dress and her skin. I want to see her freak out and everyone assume it’s about the dress but it’s actually about the fact she saw the light leave his eyes. This is the night she goes to Haymitch. She asks him for a drink and she asks him if he thought the man felt it. He isn’t kind to her. He asks her if she ever wondered if the kids felt it? If he felt it? This is the first time they sleep together. She doesn’t spend the night in his cabin. Their physical relationship continues but nothing else changes.

Then the quarter quell- she’s upset when Snow announces the rules. She feels hard done by but also scared for Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch. She understands that she’s avoiding the issue in her mind but she clings to the idea that the games are good so she doesn’t have to face up to the horror she helped meter out. It’s that glass reaping ball that does it. That glass ball with a single slip of paper in that breaks the back of her indoctrination. It all falls on top of her all at once. Her sobs after the bloodbath, alone in her room, the desperation she felt, not just for Katniss and Peeta to live, but for her to not have to watch them die, the man in eleven, the quarter quell, Hatmitch’s sharp words, the drink she craved after she saw it, the smile she plastered on, Haymitch’s hand gripped tightly in hers, the most genuine connection she’s felt in years and oh god are you supposed to be this fucking tired when you’re only 35? She looks at that paper and she is almost incandescent with rage. She loves Katniss and she doesn’t want to be the one who says her name. She doesn’t want to do this anymore. She doesn’t want this life. She doesn’t want the games to happen at all. She’s done.

But now she’s afraid. She’s seen avoxes, she knows what happens to rebels and she’s not quite brave enough to say anything to Haymitch other than veiled comments. She’s not sure he agrees with her and he’s not sure it wasn’t an accidental turn of phrase. The moment the arena blows out she’s dragged away in handcuffs. The prison is harrowing. What little hair she has is shaved off and she spends hours having questions thrown at her that she doesn’t have the answers to. She’s beaten, electrocuted and starved. Her bones are broken, they pull a few of her teeth out and some of the things they do are so awful she can’t even bring herself to think about it inside her own head. She doesn’t feel brave. She doesn’t have the answers to give them and she’s not sure she wouldn’t tell them if she did. She’s too Capitol for the rebels and too district for the Capitol. She’s not rescued, she’s released at the end of the war. Well, ‘released’ is a strong word. The guards unlock all the doors and tell them they have been pardoned and then walk out. She drags herself outside, clutching the walls and collapses in the courtyard as a humanitarian aid worker rushes over.

She spends the first tumultuous month sedated in a hospital bed, blissfully unaware of Coin’s assassination and the last games. When she comes to, Haymitch is sat at her bedside, looking haggard and tired. She looks better than she did on the floor of the courtyard, but not by much. When he sees her open her eyes he smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He apologises for not managing to get her out. She knows she should be cross with him, but she can’t find the energy to blame him. They’ve both wasted so much time already. She pushes herself up shakily and wraps her atrophied arms around his neck, telling him that it doesn’t matter, that he’s here now. When he lowers her back down, she asks immediately after Katniss and Peeta. He tells her what happened in as painless terms as he can find, and when he’s done, she can barely keep her eyes open, tears tracking silently down her hollowed cheeks. He gently kisses her on the forehead and says he’ll be back tomorrow. It takes her a long, long time to recover.

She finds out the rest of what happened while she was imprisoned and hospitalised in dribs and drabs. Some from him, some from news, some from conversations she overhears. It takes months and months before she tells him, in halting sentences, when happened in the prison. She doesn’t tell him everything. Some things are too awful to know. They’ve not resumed their physical relationship, but they feel inexplicably drawn to one another, and in a fit of impulsivity, he invites her to come to 12 when he leaves and she does. He doesn’t ask a lot of questions, but she does tell him, eventually, all the things that led to her renouncing the games just before the rebellion. He admits to her the doctor told him she was pregnant when they found her, but miscarried while she was asleep. She can’t get out of bed for days afterwards and he brings her food and water until she’s ready to get up again. She’s glad he knows in a way. She’s glad she never had to tell him what they did to her in there.

The next summer rolls around, and Effie is finally well enough to walk up to the woods outside the district and spends all day picking wildflowers. She ties them into attractive arrangements just like her mother taught her, using brown string instead of satin ribbons. Haymitch is in the newly built square when she arrives with her flowers. She lays them all gently on the ground, one for each child she reaped, including Prim. Haymitch walks over to her as she bows her head, slipping her hand into his. She says she’s sorry, he says ‘I know sweetheart’ and the book ends there

I know we aren’t going to get this, it’s not even a possibility but a girl can dream.

[rjk1ve]

HYUNG

author’s note: me when i disappear for eight months without an update and then drop this little number like nothing happened

summary: you and jeongguk had always been close growing up until your parents decided to have you fulfil your mandatory service. upon your discharge a year and a half later, things were not the same.

pairing: older brother!reader x younger brother!jungkook ft. namjoon & hoseok

warnings: incredible amounts of incest, lowkey toxic relationship, reader has anger issues & violent thoughts, some mild drug use (joints, coke), murder, namseok are amazing friends, mentions of child abuse (corporal punishment), a lil bit of angst, and fluff, jk & reader are idiots in love tbh, overprotective reader, jealous reader, smitten reader, making out, mild mentions of sex

Jeongguk used to think it was normal to hold so much love for one’s older brother. His parents had always doted on his attachment to you as kids: the way he’d cried when he had to separate from you on your first day of school, the way he would always sneak into your bed and cuddle with you while you were asleep, the way he would want you to feed him or he wouldn’t eat.

Both of your parents would say you guys were probably supposed to be born as twins rather than two years apart. You and Jeongguk did everything together, never leaving one another’s side, standing up for each other and practically reading each other’s thoughts without any words being spoken.

There was even a time once when your mother was telling Jeongguk off and he started to cry. You were in the other room, having heard the painful sob that had left your little brother’s lips, and it took you less than a minute to appear in the kitchen and pull him behind you, his grip tight around your palm, your nostrils flared.

Your mother had never seen you more angry then. Even as a little boy of ten, she was quite startled by the ferocity in your eyes, as if you could kill her right then and there. She laughs it off nowadays, telling herself the fear had been a silly emotion to feel because whatever could a ten year old really do?

But she wasn’t aware of just the extent you were willing to go for your little brother.

Getting into fights at school, threatening teachers and even grabbing the objects they would use for punishment on Jeongguk back on them. You never let anyone get away with badmouthing Jeongguk and it would quickly circulate around the other kids that the little brother of Jeon M/N was off limits in all regards from mere compliments to dirty looks and bullying. He only hung out with you and your friends but your parents wouldn’t let this go on for very long.

At around the ages of when you and Jeongguk turned 16 and 14 respectively, your parents had begun to worry that this… brotherhood was beginning to edge into muddy waters, especially for you because you’d always get into trouble for Jeongguk and he let it happen.

In fact, there were suspicions that Jeongguk leaned into your overprotective tendencies, sometimes making up pure lies about people just to feel your gentle touch on his cheek, comforting him, telling him you’ll take care of everything. You would return home with splattered blood all over your hands, Jeongguk sniffling and clinging to your sleeve behind you. Your mother had almost collapsed from shock the first time she had seen you like that, and your dad beat you until your own blood was seeping out of your legs and back.

Jeongguk felt terrible. He had cried the whole way through applying ointments to your wounds, unable to look you in the eye.

“I’m sorry. I-I should’ve stood up for you. I shouldn’t have let appa hit you.” He’d said quietly, but you never faulted him for these punishments. It was your choice to confront his bullies and you didn’t care what happened to you in the process of getting revenge.

“Look at me, Gugie.”

Jeongguk felt a rush of appeasement at the loving nickname—something that branded him to you. A nickname that only you were allowed to use. He looked up at you after applying the last of the ointment, face streaked with dry tear tracks.

“I need you to come to me if anyone ever hurts you, okay? Even if it’s only a threat. Come to me. Promise?” You’d asked, holding out your pinky. He’d sniffled, wiping his face as he nods.

“Promise.” He says, interlocking your pinkies together.

Unfortunately, that promise hadn’t lasted very long because by the ages of 17 and 15, your parents had begun to double down on your supposed bad behaviour. Before, Jeongguk used to share a room with you, and then he had his own separate room at the other end of the hall, closer to mom and dad. Neither of you were allowed to spend time together alone. Your dad had said he didn’t want Jeongguk to be influenced by your delinquency and begin to believe that beating people up was the solution to his problems.

You thought it was kind of ironic that the man who loved corporal punishment more than anything would say something so hypocritical.

Of course, you did still try to spend time with Jeongguk regardless. You usually waited for him outside of his classroom during breaks, but apparently your parents had even talked to the teachers, requesting that they keep the two of you separate at all times.

The two of them were like hawks monitoring your every move, and by the age of 18, your dad had made sure you were enlisting in the army for your mandatory service. He knew they’d teach you discipline, that you’d be a changed man once you were back.

Finally, you’d be the perfect son he knew you were capable of being.

──────────

“Aish, do these people not have any manners? Why are they crowding around so much?” Your dad—Wonhyun—grumbles, eyes looking around at the many families that were waiting for their sons to finally be discharged after completing their mandatory service. Your mother—Miran—slaps him on the arm lightly, shushing him.

“They’re only here for the same reasons we are. Where else would they go?” She asks, her eyes searching, waiting for the doors to open and the swarm of men to come out. This would be the first time she’ll have seen you in nearly two years, your father insisting that time apart from the family would do you good.

“They couldn’t have set a-” Wonhyun starts to say, but that’s when the doors to the training centre begin to open and men dressed in military uniforms begin to file out with smiles on their faces, some even jogging towards their family in the crowd. Your mother is very eager, attempting to stand on her tiptoes to find you but you’d grown exceptionally well over the years.

Your head towers over the herd, having been one of the tallest in your group of comrades, and so it only took you all of ten seconds to find your parents waving at you with bright smiles, jumping to get your attention. A half smile spreads itself across your lips, and you raise your hand in a wave as you make your way over to them.

Your comrades pat you on the back, congratulating you on completing your enlistment and telling you to reach out soon for drinks. You chuckle and nod, ruffling some of the boys’ hair before you drop your duffle bag in front of your mother who nearly has tears in her eyes, unable to believe you were standing there in front of her after so long.

“N/N…” She starts, covering her mouth with a small sniffle before a shaky hand reaches up to touch your cheek. You have to bend down for her small arm to reach, and you rest your own palm on top of her hand.

“Eomma, really, the first thing you’re gonna do is cry after not seeing your son for over a year?” You tease lightly, and she laughs through her tears, shaking her head before she wraps both of her arms around you. You were able to lift her off of her feet easily, hugging her tight.

“We missed you so much, M/N-ie. The house wasn’t the same without you.” She says quietly, caressing your hair as you put her down.

“I’m here now. We’ll liven up the place again.” You promise, wiping her tears away. She nods, and then you turn to your father who stands tall and proud as he watched you greet your mother.

“Son,” He greets, resting a hand on your shoulder. “Look at you… an upstanding citizen, just completed your service… you’re like a completely different person from before you left. I’m proud of you.”

He pulls you into a hug, patting your back, and you smile, taking in his warm embrace. It’s when they can’t see your face, though, that your jaw locks and the smile slips from your lips. You hug him tightly, your arms squeezing around his waist to a point where Wonhyun makes a noise of surprised discomfort.

“Thank you, sir.” You reply politely, pulling away as the smile returns to your face. “I won’t let you down ever again.”

“You’ve gotten quite strong the past year and a half, haven’t you? That’s quite the grip.” Wonhyun says, clearing his throat as he pretends to act unfazed. He claps you on your shoulder but it seems he does it more lightly this time, almost as if cautious of what you might be capable of.

This was new.

He’d never shown much fear of you during your teenage years. Perhaps because he was aware you were simply a child and nothing more, but now, looking at you… well you were vastly different from the boy he remembered sending into this training centre. You were bigger, far bigger than he thought you’d end up becoming.

He hadn’t expected you to continue growing well into your military years. He only expected you to come out of this being more mature and disciplined so that you’d listen to him when he’d instructed you with a task.

“Miran, here, take a photo of us.” Wonhyun says, pulling his phone out of his pocket, but your eyebrows furrow as you notice it was only your mom and dad with you. Your eyes search for another figure and your dad quickly realises who you were looking for.

“He-he’s not here, M/N.” Your dad says, tensing when you look down at him, your eyebrows furrowing deeper. You pull away from the loose hand your dad had settled on your back for the photo.

“What do you mean he’s not here? Was he held up with something else? Traffic? Is he running late?” You ask, your eyes turning to your mother. She only stares at Wonhyun however, a semblance of worry in her eyes that you caught onto. Your dad attempts to pull you back into your previous pose for the photo.

“Let’s take the photo first, okay? I’ll explain on the ride home.” Wonhyun says, and you have the urge to shove his head into the dirt covered floor but you refrain. Instead, you nod silently, knowing you needed to keep up your ‘good boy’ attitude at least until you found out where Jeongguk was.

──────────

“Dude, are you sure you’re good? What’s your plan?” Hoseok asks, watching you closely from his seat on the couch to your left. He’d stopped lining up his powder on the table at the news, unsure of how you’d react. Namjoon was also watching you over the rim of his glass of whiskey, his seat on the opposite side of the table in front of the three of you.

Even in the dark den of Hoseok’s office, the glint in your eyes was practically palpable. The music from the dance floor in the main room thrummed through the walls and floor, vibrating all throughout your body as you swirled your own glass of whiskey in one hand, arm spread across the head of the couch. Your eyes were unfocused, your mind drifted in a sea of thoughts.

After a moment, you speak, “Should I kill them?”

The guards dotted around the room share looks with one another but no one says anything. Hoseok is immediately stunned, frozen in place. Namjoon continues to watch you intently, unfazed, studying your features for a sign of any tell that you were asking a genuine question.

You await a response—any at all, but no one speaks up, causing you to lift your gaze, glancing between Hoseok and Namjoon with a raised brow.

“What, you think I shouldn’t do it?” You challenge, although your tone sounds nothing like a challenge being raised, instead sounding more like a genuine question of curiosity. Namjoon knew you better than that. He notices the quirk of your lips; a tell.

“Whatever you do, you know I’ve got your back.” Namjoon says, taking a sip of his whiskey. Hoseok stares at Namjoon in disbelief before glancing down at his powdered lines in front of him. He sighs.

“Oh fuck me. Whatever. Sure.” He waves his hand dismissively before finally going in for his first line. He lets out a satisfied hum and goes in for another. You smirk, chuckling a little as you finish the rest of your drink.

“Good to know I have such reliable friends, hm?” You settle your empty glass on the table, sitting up.

“We know how much he means to you.”

Your eyes meet Namjoon’s. He’s always been able to read you like a book, almost reminding you of the boy that was the catalyst to this entire discussion. You’d met him during your military service alongside Hoseok and the three of you got along really well. You had each other’s backs in there, leaving many to bow down at your feet.

“Who’s that? A friend?” Namjoon had asked upon catching you staring down at a photograph of yourself next to another boy. It was taken during winter; the floors were covered in snow, the scenery blessed with white. You and Jeongguk were layered up in thick woolly scarves, jackets, and gloves but you could still make out the younger boy’s pink nose. His eyes scrunched shut as he laughed at a joke you’d made as you stared down at him, holding him close.

Your eyes don’t waver from the photograph. Your thumb brushes over his delighted figure. You missed him dearly. Namjoon watches you, eyes the way you seem so nostalgic and even forlorn.

“My brother.” You’d told him quietly. It had been three months now since you’d enlisted. You’d received one call from him in the beginning, asking you all about your service and how everything was going, wanting to know you were okay, but that was it. You hadn’t heard his sweet voice since, and you knew your parents had something to do with it.

Namjoon leans up on his elbows beside you, legs still settled inside his sleeping bag. Hoseok was to your left, already fast asleep as he snored, mouth agape.

“Why don’t you visit him during leaves? Seems like you miss the guy.”

Your grip on the photo tightens before you tuck it into your pocket, not wishing to crumple or ruin the memory. It was the only physical reminder you had of him that you were allowed to keep close to you.

“My dad won’t let me see him. Thinks I’m a bad influence.” You scoff, getting into your sleeping bag. Namjoon doesn’t say much, something telling him that the solutions coming to his head weren’t as easy as they seemed, but he does notice your bitter expression. He could tell you weren’t content with your current circumstances.

“I’m here if you ever wanna talk about him. Clearly, he must mean a lot to you.”

A small smile forms itself on your lips. You nod, grateful.

“He means everything to me.”

──────────

“And you’re sure he’s there?” Namjoon asks, eyes on the passing scenery through the tinted window of the limousine. Hoseok rolls his eyes, blowing on a joint.

“Yes, asshole. I’ve had my guys working on this for the past two weeks now, alright? He’s definitely there.” Hoseok grumbles, taking another puff of his joint with a contented sigh before passing it over to you. You take it, inhaling a puff of your own to calm your nerves. You’ve been on edge for the past two weeks now, ever since Hoseok offered to have his guys look for Jeongguk.

Your parents had kicked him out only a couple of months after your enlistment because of some bullshit about ‘straying from the path of God’ that you’d tuned out immediately. It had taken everything in you not to grab the nearest knife from the kitchen table then, stabbing them over and over again until their bodies were so disfigured that they were completely unrecognisable.

Being in the military changed you. It taught you how to control your anger issues like your father wanted but it also resulted in you manifesting sudden, more violent thoughts than you’d had previously as a result of holding in your emotions.

Hoseok pours you a glass of vodka, noticing your tensed physique. He could tell you were nervous about seeing Jeongguk again after nearly two years, unsure of how the male may react. Knowing that he wasn’t the same kid that you’d left behind.

“It’ll be alright. I’m sure he’s been missing you just as much.” Hoseok attempts to comfort, nudging your knee with his own and jutting his chin towards the glass of vodka. You hand Namjoon the joint next and grab the glass, necking almost half of it without a second thought.

Hoseok whistles lowly, watching you.

“Maybe slow down just a little bit. You don’t wanna meet him for the first time in ages and not remember the encounter, do you?”

You grunt, knowing he had a point before placing your glass in the cup holder. The rest of the ride to the club is filled with some mild chatter, Hoseok choosing to keep the blunt between himself and Namjoon so as to make sure you were of sound mind for this interaction.

He had worked hard to find Jeongguk’s usual spot and so he wasn’t going to let this meeting go to waste. He wanted to make sure you’d remember it and thank him for being such a great friend who’d brought you back together with your brother.

“Alright, alright! Everyone shut the fuck up. We’re pulling up now.” Hoseok announces, recognising the street from the pictures his men had sent him. Your body tenses again, glancing out of the window to see as the limo pulled up in front of the entrance to the club.

It wasn’t nearly as lavish as Hoseok’s nightclub (which was known as Seoul’s hotspot) but it was okay regardless. It’s what one would expect downtown.

There was an average line of customers waiting to be let in and two bouncers guarding the front doors. Namjoon waits as the chauffeur moves to open the door on his side of the car, allowing him to get out, and Hoseok follows suit. The chauffeur then proceeds to make his way to other side and open the door for you as you hop out and make your way around to your two friends.

People in the queue begin to whisper, muttering amongst themselves at your suave entrance and arrival in an expensive car. All three of you were dressed in branded clothes courtesy of Hoseok who never let his friends wear anything that wasn’t designer.

Hoseok leads the way to the entrance and the bouncer seems to recognise him immediately. He opens the door personally with a small bow of respect. Your eyebrow raises before remembering Hoseok was very well known in this industry. Or practically Seoul in general.

“Garnered quite the reputation for yourself, have you?” Namjoon queries with a small smile. Hoseok shrugs as you guys enter the main room of the club with ease. He grabs the nearest shot glass from a bartender’s tray, necking it. You and Namjoon decide to hold off on the alcohol for now.

“Okay, he usually comes here every Friday around 8:30. I’ve booked us the VIP seating over there,” Hoseok bellows over the music, pointing to the open lounge that was sectioned off from the dance floor. You nod, your eyes on the dance floor instead of the VIP lounge even though it was only 8 right now.

If Hoseok was right about this, you still had another half an hour until he showed.

“Why did we come so early then?” Namjoon asks. Your eyes return to Hoseok, wanting an answer to that question as well.

“To have fun! Let loose a little! Or don’t and go chill out at the lounge. I’m here to hit the dance floor.” He says, and before either you or Namjoon can say anything, he’s already made his way past the crowds of people everywhere and onto the dance floor. You grumble to yourself and Namjoon rests a hand on your shoulder, gesturing to the lounge.

You follow after him, noticing how the lounge is set on a slightly higher level than the dance floor. A guard is stationed by the steps and he asks for your names. Namjoon tells him, and the guy checks his list before nodding and moving aside.

“Enjoy.” He says as you and Namjoon head over towards the leather couch. It was similar to Hoseok’s office back at his club with a glass table settled in front of the two of you and dim lights secured above that you can control the colours of.

Namjoon makes himself comfortable, unbuttoning his blazer as his eyes scan the club with its flashy, LED dance floor and sweaty couples grinding up on each other. He also sees Hoseok already has someone pulling him close and whispering in (or maybe kissing?) his ear. Namjoon chuckles, turning his attention to you.

“So, what’s your plan?” He asks casually, and you raise your brow at him. “You know, when he’s here. Are you just gonna go up and talk to him?”

You weren’t sure what the fuck you were gonna do in all honesty. You’d made it this far but you hadn’t thought you’d find him in the first place, simply going along with the flow of events that Hoseok had somehow constructed. You wonder how Jeongguk may react, how he looks, whether he’s changed or stayed the same.

“I don’t know.” You tell him with a long sigh, your eyes on the dance floor. “I haven’t seen him in over a year, I haven’t talked to him even once. For all I know, he might not want anything to do with me.”

Namjoon listens to your worries intently, nodding. Although he hasn’t been in your predicament before, he understands your feelings. It’s rare for a person to stay the same over such a long period of time, especially teenagers.

From what he can recall, you and Jeongguk had about a two year age gap, making him 18 this year. He probably has his own thoughts and feelings about everything.

“I don’t think it’d be that extreme.” Namjoon says, “He might be upset about stuff, might even be upset with you, but he’ll come around. I don’t think he can hate you forever.”

You chuckle at his wisdom. “You don’t even know the guy, Joon. He can throw a mean tantrum.”

Namjoon shrugs although there’s a smile to his lips. “Your stories about him are enough for me.”

And that’s basically how you spend the next half an hour, talking about Jeongguk, telling Namjoon more stories about his silly tantrums he’d throw when you’d upset him over something.

He would often lock himself in your shared room and only open it when it was time for bed because otherwise he knew dad would yell at him. He wouldn’t make eye contact, he wouldn’t talk and to your surprise, he would even choose to sleep in his own bed.

This sort of stuff could go on for days unless you tried to ask for forgiveness, pulling crazy antics and buying him his favourite toys or food using your own pocket money. Sometimes you’d even have to dress in the most embarrassing outfits in public just to get that cute little laugh out of him.

Hopefully, you won’t have to do anything too crazy here. Hopefully, Jeongguk would be happy to see you.

──────────

“Dudes, he’s on his way. Get ready.” A tipsy Hoseok says half an hour later, having pushed through the crowd which seems to have only gotten bigger. You’d had one glass of vodka throughout your entire wait here. This was probably a record for you.

“I’ll stay here. M/N probably wants to meet him alone, right?” Namjoon asks, looking over at you. You nod, your foot bouncing like crazy on the tiled floor.

Since when were you so nervous to meet your own brother?

Hoseok decides to wait with you from his position just below the lounge on the main floor, hand on the railing and looking out at the crowd for any signs of the young male.

Taking a deep breath, your eyes track the doors that lead to the entrance, waiting.

And then, you see him.

For a moment, you wonder if you were simply imagining things. Perhaps it had been a trick of the light and so you blink continuously, leaning forward in your seat, eyes squinted and yet he’s still here, making his way through the crowd towards the bar which was located just a few feet away from your lounge.

Your breath catches in your throat, even swallowing felt difficult.

He was here. He was really here.

And he looked completely different. Nothing like the young boy you’d remembered, as if all semblance of the Jeongguk you had known were lost and buried within this new look he was sporting. He’d grown his hair out into a wavy bob and he’d gotten just a little bit taller. His body was slim yet toned, barely covered by the denim jacket he was wearing which revealed his stomach through the cropped white shirt. He’d even worn a loose tie and chains. He looked absolutely ravishing.

You could barely help yourself. Your cock was stirring eagerly in your pants before you’d even realised, and as Jeongguk turned slightly after receiving his drink, you caught a shimmer bounce off of his lip from the light. It was a lip piercing.

Now you could see why your parents had kicked him out. He was considered an abomination, moreso to your father who always envisioned his sons as the most traditional sort of macho man.

Jeongguk was nothing like that. He was more of a spoonful of cardinal sin that was awaiting hungry prey. Someone that wanted to be ravished, not take girls to church and smile shyly over dinner. You had to go talk to him.

Namjoon who was analysing Jeongguk turns to you when he feels you shift. Hoseok doesn’t notice shit, seemingly just as enamoured by Jeongguk’s presence as you, his eyes unwavering from the male’s physique.

“You gonna go over there?” Namjoon asks, but as you go to answer, you notice Jeongguk is now beginning to make his way to the extremely crowded dance floor and you’d lost him just like that. It was too difficult to find him with so many people squeezed together there. You growl lowly, unhappy.

Hoseok finally turns to both you and Namjoon, confused at what was going on. “What’s up? You gonna go find him? He’s supposed to be here until quite late so you have plenty of time, M/N-ah. Don’t fret.” The male comforts. You nod, trying to take a deep breath. You hated crowded areas, especially when they were filled with sweaty and horny teenagers.

“You go on. I’ll be here.” Namjoon states as you get up. You head down to Hoseok’s level before turning to the crowd.

“We can split up and look for him. I’ll ring you if I find him. Keep your phone on vibrate.” He leans in to say, and you nod as you pull out your phone, turning on vibrate. Hoseok pats you on your shoulder. “We’ll find him.” And then, he leaves.

You also start to make your way to the dance floor and it’s immediately stuffy the closer you get. Everywhere you look there’s couples grinding up on each other and making out, some even attempting to invite you into their little rendezvous but you were only interested in one individual.

You weren’t even sure where exactly you were on the dance floor or how far along you’d travelled by the time you were sweating through your top and your feet were beginning to ache. The crowd moved in weird ways and directions, leaving you to guess how much ground you’d covered. And Jeongguk would probably be dancing right now too, meaning he must be moving around at all times.

All of it felt hopeless. You were getting more and more annoyed as people tried to talk to you or show interest or offer to buy you drinks. You weren’t interested and you didn’t know how many more times those words would have to leave your lips before you popped a vein.

But then as if sensing your distress, you’d found him again. There he was in all of his glory, a sheen of sweat cascading down his neck, his toned stomach and collarbones. His hair, which you’d only now realised was dyed auburn, was sticking to his forehead, head thrown back and denim jacket wrapped around his waist.

As you pushed through the crowd to make your way to him, you paused. Another figure had wrapped their arms around his waist, moving in sync with his hips. Jeongguk seemed to revel in the attention, resting his hand on top of the stranger’s which only caused the man to become braver.

It was enough to have you charging through the crowd instead of politely squeezing past. You didn’t apologise or bow, you didn’t care who was being knocked to the ground as you shoved and shoved until there was enough of an opening for you to throw a punch. Some people screamed, attempting to back away as the stranger stumbled but you didn’t hold back.

You punched him again and again until he had fallen to the ground, unable to understand what was going on. He hadn’t even caught a glimpse of your face as you moved to cage him between your knees, your vision red with anger, your knuckles dripping with blood.

He was already unconscious by the time someone had grabbed you by your waist and pulled you off of the man. His face was bloodied, unrecognisable, almost like the carcass a dead animal leaves after they’re done with their prey. Your breath was heavy and laboured and you’d turned to see it was Hoseok who was holding you back, eyebrows furrowed and his eyes filled with worry.

The music had stopped by now and some people were trying to leave, causing a panic. Then you remembered Jeongguk. Your eyes searched for the male but he was nowhere in sight. He’d disappeared.

“We have to leave, M/N.” Hoseok says, and you knew he was right. Looking down at the unconscious body again, you still felt a burst of hatred, causing you to spit on him before Hoseok started to pull you away towards the back of the club. Apparently there was another exit this way that not many people knew about.

Namjoon met you guys by the back of the club. He was still his composed self even after the havoc inside.

“What happened?”

“What happened? What happened?! He fucking lost it, that’s what happened, Joon! Jesus fucking Christ, I mean, I think the guy might be dead!” Hoseok exclaims, running his fingers through his hair. Namjoon’s eyes scan over your bloodied figure, from your clothes to your knuckles and even your face. He pulls out a handkerchief and offers it to you. You take it gratefully.

“We gotta get outta here. We can’t be seen here. I’ll talk to the owner about getting rid of tapes and evidence. She’s my friend. I’ll bribe the cops if I have to. It’ll be fine.” Hoseok says, although seemingly more to himself than anyone else. He pulls out his phone to call the limo to the back of the club.

Namjoon continues to keep his eye on you as you brush whatever amount of blood you can from your knuckles and face. Your mind was still plastered with images of that man’s hands on Jeongguk. The way he was guiding Jeongguk’s body like he owned it.

He deserved a way worse death than he’d received if he really died. Nobody puts hands on your Jeongguk. He belonged to you. He was yours ever since he was born, and nobody will ever change that.

You’d make sure of it.

As the limo arrives, you, Hoseok and Namjoon all get into the car before it speeds away as far as possible from the club.

──────────

You spend the next couple of days at Hoseok’s apartment while he attempts to get the situation at the club sorted out. You’d told your parents you were staying with a friend from your service and so they didn’t ask many more questions.

“You ready to tell us what happened?” Namjoon asks, sitting opposite you in the living room. He’d been visiting everyday since the incident. Hoseok had offered to lend him one of his spare bedrooms but the male refused. He just wanted to check up on you. You were advised not to wonder about outside until everything had settled down.

“The bastard was feeling him up.” You spit, and even though it had been a few days now since that night, the memory was raw and fresh as if it were happening right in front of you all over again. Hoseok had informed you that the guy did indeed die that night from blood loss. The footage had been deleted upon his request but your DNA was found on the scene and so Hoseok is currently discussing prices for sweeping everything under the rug.

You probably owe him a lifetime of debt for this. You make a mental note to thank him later, his muffled voice flowing through the other room as he spoke with someone on the phone. Namjoon raises a brow, urging you to continue. You remain silent and the male sighs.

“Come on, M/N-ah. I’m not here to judge or berate you. I wanna know what happened so I can help you.” He tries to reason. You can tell he’s been stressing over this as much as Hoseok has.

You pour him a glass of soju, sliding it across the table to him. It’s what you’d been drinking for the past few days yourself so you didn’t lose your damn mind wondering what happened to Jeongguk.

The way he’d just disappeared without saying a word to you. He hadn’t even tried to intervene in your fight, but well, he never usually did even when you were still kids. He did, however, wait for you.

Every time you were beating on his bullies, he would stay a safe distance away like you’d instructed and he’d wait until you were done, offering his hand through tear stained cheeks which you’d take before guiding him home. You would wipe his tears just before you’d open your front door, his face staining with the blood on your hands.

“He was feeling him up, Joon. Are you saying that wasn’t reason enough to beat his ass?” You ask, sitting up straighter. Namjoon grabs the glass of soju you’d poured for him and takes a big gulp.

“Did it look forced?”

Your eyebrows furrow. “What?”

“Did it look forced? Was Jeongguk struggling to get away from the guy?” He asks, watching you with a level gaze. Your eyes narrow, feeling like you were being interrogated.

“What are you, a cop? Why does it matter?” You shot back, and Namjoon notices you’re getting irritated by his line of questioning. He wasn’t trying to rile you up and so he lifts his hands in surrender.

“Look, M/N. You killed a guy that night. I told you before that I’d back you up no matter what, didn’t I? And I’m still holding you to that promise, but only if I know exactly what I’m getting myself into.” Namjoon says seriously, his usually calm and stoic demeanour now firm, “I need to know how you feel about him because from what I’ve seen so far, this bond runs deeper than brotherhood.”

The room is eerily quiet for a moment as Namjoon waits for your response. He gives you time to let the words sink in, your mind drifting into a sea of thoughts.

How did you feel about him?

Standing there by the bar, you remember the way your cock had twitched in your pants at the mere sight of him. The way you wish you could’ve run your fingers along his tan skin and pinch his nipples through that crop top, the way you wish you could’ve shoved him onto his knees to suck you off in front of everyone.

Your cock stirs again at all of these thoughts but your gaze never wavers from Namjoon’s patient one. You give him a half smile, lying back in your seat.

“If you have to ask me, you must already know the answer.”

And you watch with a tilted head as it dawns upon Namjoon in real time that his suspicions were correct. His lips part as if to say something, but for the first time, no words come out. He only nods instead.

“Anything else?”

He shakes his head, downing the last of his soju. He’s silent for a minute longer, staring down at the coffee table and seemingly trying to get his thoughts in order. It’s your turn to be patient as you wait for the knowledge of your answer to truly sink into his head.

And that’s also around about the time that Hoseok makes his entrance into the living room again, slightly relieved.

“Good news. The officer in charge of the case has agreed to sweep this situation under the rug for a reasonable compensation. You should be off the hook by the end of the day.” He states cheerily, looking between you and Namjoon before his smile drops into a confused look. “The fuck is going on with him?”

Namjoon was still processing your confession so you take over the conversation in his place, your eyes turning to Hoseok.

“Joon-ah was asking me about my feelings regarding Jeongguk.” You start, glancing at said male who looks back at you carefully, “I simply told him the truth.”

It takes Hoseok a second to understand what you were getting at before his lips part in an ‘O’ and he bursts out laughing.

“Woah, woah, wait. You didn’t know?” Hoseok asks in shock, making his way over to the both of you. Namjoon’s eyebrows furrow, looking back at Hoseok and then you.

“He knew? You told him?” Namjoon asks, also disbelieving. You shrug half heartedly as Hoseok takes a seat beside him, slapping him on his shoulder.

“Dude, I thought you were supposed to be the smart one. Wasn’t it obvious? I mean, he’s been acting like some lovesick puppy ever since we first met. You’re dumb as fuck.” Hoseok comments, earning a slap on the back of his head from Namjoon who tsks.

“Shut the fuck up.”

You smirk, leaning forward to pour Hoseok, Namjoon and yourself a glass of soju again. You clink your glasses and take a sip.

“Seok-ah,” You say, and Hoseok nods, showcasing he’s listening, “Can you find out where he lives at all? An address I could visit?”

Hoseok gives you a look, sighing as he takes a long sip of his soju.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

──────────

Checking the address on your phone and the picture of the building attached to it, you compare the two to make sure you had the right place. Jeongguk apparently lived in a shabby apartment complex not too far from that club you’d visited, which made sense as to how he must’ve left so quickly. It wasn’t a very long walk.

The neighbourhood was noisy and smelt funny. The trash was overflowing near the bins as you made your way up the steps towards the entrance. The lightbulb was flickering and there was not a single security in sight. You open the glass doors into reception to see the person at the desk was fast asleep in an awkward angle on the chair.

Ignoring him, you decided to take the stairs to the second floor where Jeongguk lived. According to Hoseok, he lived just near the end of the hall, door number 108. Your heart was practically hammering in your chest as you walked past each door, closer and closer to the apartment which contained your beloved little brother behind its walls.

It’s when you’re standing right in front of his door that you begin second guessing yourself however.

Would he even want to see you? If the encounter at the club was anything to go by, he clearly wanted nothing to do with you.

But he could also just be upset. Perhaps all he needed was an apology and an explanation and you could make amends like old times. He was always quite forgiving with you. Namjoon had said he thought so too and he hadn’t even met Jeongguk.

You take a deep breath. You can see the light was switched on through the gap at the bottom of the door, meaning he was home. Your knuckles feel stiff as you raise them to knock on the door, your brain going into overdrive over all the possible consequences that this could lead to. Jeongguk could say he wants you out of his life forever and then what would you do? You’d have to listen to him, wouldn’t you?

Closing your eyes, you push these thoughts to the back of your head and knock on his door gently. Nothing happens for a second but then his honey voice speaks up through the door.

“Gimme a minute! I’m coming!” And you hear footsteps shuffle about inside the apartment as if in a hurry. You wonder what he could be possibly doing, perhaps tidying up the space a bit in what little time he could, having not expected any guests. A small smile crosses your lips at the thought, your fingers combing through your hair.

Soon, you hear his footsteps approaching closer and closer and you brace yourself, your body tensing. The door swings open, and your eyes instantly meet with brown hues curtained by auburn bangs that fall over Jeongguk’s eyes. Your lips pull into a bright, charming smile of their own accord at witnessing your little brother’s face up close after so long but he doesn’t reciprocate.

The polite and yet embarrassed bunny smile plastered on his lips vanished immediately upon realising it was you stood on his front doorstop and your heart sinks at his reaction. His eyes had turned cold and hostile, his lips pulling into a deep frown. You barely had time to even register what he was wearing before the door began to swing close, and you had to snap out of your thoughts in order to wedge yourself through the gap enough so that he couldn’t close it fully.

He did not take kindly to this gesture, attempting to shove you away with as much force as he could muster but you’d always been bigger and stronger than him. He had no chance against you, especially not after taking into account your military training now.

“Jeongguk-ah, I just wanna talk to you! Why are you being like this?”

He doesn’t reply, still attempting to shove you out so that he can close the door. He growls when his efforts only seem to go in vain because you don’t budge an inch, watching him with saddened eyes. He’s never acted this way with you before. You’d never seen him so upset with you.

“Let me in, hm? I just want to talk. I haven’t seen you in months.” You reason, your hand wrapping around the edge of the door to push it open further. Jeongguk tries to unhook your fingers.

“Fuck! off!” He says with force, and it’s the first words to leave his mouth since you’d last seen him. They were words of pure hatred and venom, nothing like the soft spoken honeyed voice that usually greeted you like you were the only man that existed on this earth.

What did you do to receive so much hate from him? Why wouldn’t he just talk to you?

“Is this how it’s gonna be? You won’t even tell me what’s going on with you anymore? You’re gonna shut me out?”

“I have nothing to say to you. Who the fuck even are you to me?!” He exclaims, fury burning in his eyes and veins. You think you even see hints of tears welling up in those doe eyes and it weakens you. You just want to hold him close.

“Jeong-” As you go to comfort him, he pushes you with renewed vigour that has you stumbling back in shock. He’s panting now, tears along his lash line as he watches you.

“Leave before I call the cops.” And with that, he slams the door shut in your face. You could barely comprehend what had just happened, your mind racing with images of how he’d looked at you just then, the way he spoke so harshly to you like you’d betrayed him.

It made you want to kill yourself to be the reason for Jeongguk’s distress. You didn’t know what to do with yourself.

You stare at the 108 plated on his door, knowing he was still there on the other side. You didn’t want to leave. You couldn’t leave. He can call the cops if he wishes to. You weren’t going anywhere.

It was a pathetic move but you decided to settle yourself in front of his door, back pressed to it with a sigh, fingers tugging on the roots of your hair in frustration. He was being so stubborn and you didn’t understand why or what you’d done to cause this. You just wanted things to go back to the way they used to be with him.

You don’t know how long you’d sat there in front of his door before you were sound asleep, your body fatigued from the stress and cold air that seemed to seep through into the hallway.

──────────

Hours later, your eyes flutter open to be met with a cream coloured ceiling. Your vision is still bleary from having just woken up and you blink a few times, a little dazed and confused as you look around at your surroundings.

You were in some sort of living room, looking down to see your body laid out on a couch that wasn’t big enough to fit the entirety of you in, your calves dangling over the edge. The TV was on, the telecast showcasing a news reporter talking about the incident at the club. The smell of laundry detergent and matcha wafted in the air, only confusing you further.

You start to sit up, noticing you were dressed in your clothes from yesterday and that’s when you remember your encounter with Jeongguk from yesterday, how you had accidentally fallen asleep on his doorstep. And it’s like Jeongguk senses your recollection because he enters the living room with a cup of warm tea exactly then, seeming unfazed when your eyes meet his and they widen.

“G-guk?” You ask, wondering whether you were still on his front doorstep fast asleep and this was just a very lucid dream. He doesn’t say anything, instead placing the cup of tea on the coffee table in front of you.

Why is it every place had a coffee table these days?

You stare down at the tea for a moment. Jeongguk had made this with his very own hands for you and it makes your heart swell, but you’re still confused, looking up to see him standing a few feet away now with crossed arms.

“Guk-ah, I-I wanted to talk to you. Can we talk?” You ask, hopeful. His stance is firm, he doesn’t give anything away.

“Drink your tea. I want you gone before 10.” He says, glancing over at the clock resting above his door that reads 9:20am. You follow his gaze and your shoulders slump in defeat, having thought he was finally willing to talk after this gesture.

“What did I do to upset you?” You ask lowly, and you notice the way he tenses at the question, attempting to maintain eye contact. “You hate me and I don’t even know why. You won’t talk to me so how can I know what’s wrong, Guk-ah? I need to know what I did before I can fix my mistake.”

“I told you to drink your tea and leave. I didn’t give you permission to ask me questions.” He spits, working his jaw. He was wearing an oversized white shirt that spilled over his shoulder and plain grey joggers. You stand up slowly, deciding this might just be the only chance you’ll have at getting the truth out of him.

Jeongguk starts to become cautious as he watches you tower to your full height, as if you were some sort of threat. It was beginning to irritate you more than upset you now, you didn’t understand his reactions. You’d never hurt him.

“Are you scared of me? Me?” You ask in disbelief, moving around the coffee table. He holds his hand out, taking a step back.

“Don’t come any closer. I’m warning you. I’ll scream.” He says, trying to sound firm but his voice comes out shaky as he takes a deep breath. You watch him, analysing if he would really go to such extremes to keep you away. You take a step forward.

Jeongguk doesn’t scream.

“Stay back! Are you fucking deaf? I brought you in here because I felt some pity. Don’t make me regret it.”

You ignore him, taking another step forward. Jeongguk backs away again, keeping his hand up. There were tears welling up in his eyes but they didn’t seem to be from fear, moreso out of desperation that you’d listen to his pleas.

“I’m not gonna keep doing this, Guk. You know I won’t hurt you. You’re my little brother. I want us to be okay again. That’s all I want.” You tell him honestly, taking another step forward. You keep your hands in front of you, raised ever so slightly so he knows you’re not a threat. He continues to back away until he’s pressed up against the wall, and you take that as your opportunity to cage him. He realises this and he cries, those tears flowing freely now.

“Stay back! Please, please, hyung! I can’t have you near me. Stay back. Please!” He cries, and you freeze mere inches from him. The hand he’d held up to keep you away pressed against your chest as he looks down, trying to control his emotions. You’d only ever seen him break down like this over his bullies, when he’d come to you to ask for help.

“Gugie…” Your own voice breaks at the sight, and the beloved nickname that Jeongguk had heard so many times makes him cry harder, his fingers bunching up the fabric of your shirt tightly almost like he was trying to ground himself. You couldn’t hold back then, pulling him close and wrapping him up in your strong arms, shushing his cries gently as you placed a kiss to his auburn waves.

“My baby,” You comfort, your voice soft and loving even after all the things he’d said to you, the way he treated you. It didn’t matter to you because you knew he was hurting. You wanted to help him. He wraps his arms around your waist, crying into your shoulder so hard he was practically shaking. You place kisses along his temple, letting him cry. You could tell he’d been holding it in for a while.

You guide him over to the couch when he begins to settle down a little bit, wiping his tears away with the pads of your thumb and pushing a stray strand of auburn hair behind his ear. You caress his cheek as he holds your wrist, his eyes looking between both of yours in a back and forth motion.

“Talk to me, baby,” You tell him, and his grip tightens on your wrist, his eyes landing on his lap. Your eyebrows furrow, lifting his chin so that he was facing you again. “Nothing to be afraid of. I’ve got your back, haven’t I?” You say, a small smile on your lips.

Surprisingly, he mirrors it with a small nod and it makes you want to kiss him until you’re both breathless. He takes a deep breath, inching closer to you, always finding safety in your presence.

“I-I’m sorry for not checking up on you during your service.” He starts weakly, and you shake your head. You knew it wasn’t his fault, but you don’t interrupt him. You needed to know what had happened while you were away. “Appa said I would only serve as a distraction to you if I called you all the time.

“He’d take my phone during those hours when he knew you could call, hyung. I-I wanted to reach out somehow so I tried to-” He takes a deep breath and you wrap an arm around his shoulders. “I tried to sneak my phone back from him. When he realised what I was trying to do… he-he hurt me. He would hit me over and over until-”

There was a sudden, loud ringing in your ears, cutting off the rest of Jeongguk’s sentence as it doubled down on those few words.

He hurt me. He would hit me over and over.

Your father hurt him. You’d promise to protect Jeongguk from harm and yet your father hurt him and you weren’t there to keep your promise.

No wonder he didn’t want anything to do with you. The thought itself was making you feel sick and queasy, like you shouldn’t even have the right to touch him, hold him like you’re doing. Jeongguk notices you lost in thought, and he shakes you gently, his grip loosely holding onto your shirt.

“Was-was it the same?” You ask quietly, and Jeongguk knows what you mean. He nods, slowly moving to turn around so that his back was facing you and with shaky fingers, you watch as he pulls his shirt over his head to reveal valleys of scars lining every possible expanse of skin on his back, many of them interconnecting and others looking like they’ve been reopened more than once.

He did this. He hurt Jeongguk in the exact manner he hurt you when you disobeyed his rules, grabbing his belt in a fit of uncontrolled rage that wouldn’t disappear until there was blood spilling onto the floor. You never cared when it happened to you, but right now, as your fingers gently trace the lines on his back and see the way Jeongguk flinches every now and again, your blood boils beneath your skin.

You would not let him get away with this.

“I ran away after a little while. It was when he’d caught me trying on some of eomma’s makeup. I… I didn’t feel like I could call you after all of that. I didn’t want you to see how I’d ended up.” He says, finding it just that little bit easier to speak when he wasn’t facing you. You weren’t sure how to explain it to him.

You never cared about all of these supposed flaws that Jeongguk believed he had.

Watching as his shoulders rise and fall somewhat unevenly, you make a choice. You shuffle closer to him, your fingers grazing his shoulders and gliding down to his arms before you place a kiss on the scar that travels just below the nape of his neck. He shivers, a little startled but not shocked. He doesn’t move away.

“Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?” You whisper along the shell of his ear. You place another kiss there and then another on a scar that curves against his shoulder blade. Jeongguk clutches at his joggers, his bottom lip between his teeth as he tries to hold in any unwanted noises. He knew there had always been something between you two… something more than brotherly affection, but he’d lost hope that you’d ever act upon it.

He never thought such a day would come.

You never thought he’d reciprocate your feelings.

“I didn’t want to disappoint you. My back- it’s not something anybody would want to see. It’s disgusting.” He says, and you pause, leaning forward to turn Jeongguk’s head to face you, your lips inches apart.

“You could never disappoint me. I love you.” You confess easily, without hesitation. Jeongguk is doubtful, his eyes searching yours for any signs that you were simply saying these things to make him feel better, but there was only love. Pure, unadulterated love swimming in your eyes as you looked down at him. It made him want to cry again, his hand reaching up to cup your cheek.

“I love you too, hyung. I’ve only ever loved you.” He says, and taking his first brave step, he turns around and leans in to place his lips against yours, instantly letting out a small mewl when you return his kiss with a fierce longing that sets your heart alight. His fingers reach down to curl around the fabric of your shirt, tugging you closer, and you take this as your initiative to trail your kisses along his cheek, towards his jaw, and down his throat.

Jeongguk’s eyes roll back, his head tilted just enough to allow your lips to devour his caramel skin greedily, his fingers moving to tug on the roots of your hair.

“Hyung…” He whispers, his hot breath fanning your ear and causing you to groan against his skin. You pull away, your forehead pressing to his lightly. He opens his eyes, breath heaving as he stares at you in a way you wish to wake up to every morning.

“Drink your tea. I put a lot of effort in that, y’know.” He says, smiling that incredibly adorable bunny smile that you missed as he cups both of your cheeks. You mirror his smile with one of your own and Jeongguk thinks his heart might’ve skipped multiple beats in the span of four seconds.

You continue to stare at him, completely enamoured with a full heart to see him like this, to be on better terms and to hold him in your arms and kiss him like a lover, to have him want this just as much as you.

Your father would be sent to an early grave if he were to see the two of you now. Your mother probably wouldn’t be very far behind.

“Can I stay here with you for the day?” You ask, hopeful. Jeongguk doesn’t even need time to consider, thumbing at your skin as he pecks your lips with a nod. You almost can’t believe it so you have to ask again. Jeongguk rolls his eyes but a small amused smile makes its way onto his lips.

He pushes some of your hair back, now placing a kiss on your forehead and then your nose and then both of your cheeks.

“Yes, idiot. You’re my hyung. You can stay here as long as you like.”

And you cage him under you with a smile, earning a surprised squeak from the younger before he laughs and moves to easily rip your shirt off of you.

──────────

Nobody says anything.

The room is dead silent save for the breathless pants that leave Jeongguk’s lips as he grinds into your lap, his layered denim jeans stretching to accommodate his thighs on either side of you.

Hoseok sits in his same spot to your left on a single couch, his index and thumb resting beneath his chin as he watches the way Jeongguk envelopes you like a moth to a flame, his mouth traversing your collarbones to add to the art he’d left there just last night. He was intrigued, perhaps even a little turned on, shifting in his seat to get a better view.

Both of your bodies were littered with marks of passion. It had been five days now since you and Jeongguk had reconciled back in his apartment and he hadn’t spared a moment’s hesitation to drill himself down on your cock whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Waking up to him on top of you, kissing your naked skin as he jerked you off lazily in the mornings, fucking him hard against the kitchen counter and holding him close to you as he cooked lunch in the afternoon, watching him as he writhed beneath rivulets cascading down his body within the confines of a late night steamy shower, spreading his cheeks far apart as you ate him out like dessert after dinner.

It was as if the two of you were making up for all of that time spent apart, and even now, having left the apartment for the first time together so you could introduce Jeongguk to your two friends, he wouldn’t relent. He just wanted you, you, you.

The guards scattered around the room keep their gazes fixed on anything but the two of you making out on the couch, uncomfortable at the knowledge that you were siblings—real, blood bound siblings kissing each other so raunchily, whispering dirty promises, groping exposed flesh and licking drops of perspiration trickling down a hickey-filled neck.

Some of them however, couldn’t possibly get enough. Some of them angle their necks to get a better view much like Hoseok, trying to ingrain the memory into their heads for a chance to jerk off to it later.

But then, Namjoon clears his throat expectantly and certain individuals in the room deflate as they watch the two of you pull apart whilst others sigh a silent breath of relief. A string of saliva stretches between your lips and Jeongguk’s eyes sparkle as he stares, slightly dazed as he kisses you one last time.

Your thumb swipes across his swollen lips when he pulls away, wiping any remnants of evidence that may cause a change to the plans you had initially come here for. Jeongguk takes this opportunity to capture your thumb between his lips, his tongue swirling over the pad of it and sucking gently.

He was dangerous like that, you’d come to learn. He was tempting, always knew when to strike at just the right moment. Your head tilts, watching the way he sucks on your thumb and looks up at you through his lashes with the hint of a devious smirk. You knew what he wanted his actions to look like.

You were almost caught in his trap until Namjoon spoke up, having realised the two of you hadn’t quite stopped.

“Did you invite us here for a free show or…”

And that’s when Jeongguk finally stops, pulling away from you as he glances back at Namjoon who watches him with curiosity. He proceeds to turn to you again, pecking your lips one last time, beckoning you to lean in for a deeper kiss, but Jeongguk then shifts so that he’s sitting beside you before you can make another move. You huff at his cheekiness, running your fingers through your hair as you settle back in your seat, the boner in your slacks obvious and yet ignored.

Your gaze drifts between Namjoon’s and Hoseok’s, studying them for a moment. Hoseok’s gleaming eyes are fixed upon Jeongguk who, even as an adult now, still shies away from making eye contact with strangers, instead playing with the fabric of your slacks. Namjoon is more polite, merely giving him a once over before taking a sip of his vodka.

“Guys, I want you to meet my baby brother.” You introduce, wrapping a comforting arm around his shoulders. You play with his hair but Jeongguk is startled at your confession, his head snapping up to look at you with wide eyes. He didn’t expect you to tell your friends you were siblings, at least not after the display the two of you had just put on.

Who knows how they would react at the information? This wasn’t some casual conversation about—your chuckle however, breaks Jeongguk out of his little panic. You place a kiss on his temple.

“Don’t worry. They know.” You tell him, a look of expectation crossing your face as you face your friends once more, a mere brow cocked. They don’t need further explanations, Hoseok’s lips parting into a hearty smile as he lifts his hand in a small wave.

“We’re not here to judge or anything. M/N’s told us all about you.” Hoseok assures. “I think it’s cute what you guys have. You obviously seem to love each other very much and who am I to get in the way of that, right? Don’t worry. You can do whatever you want. We support you.”

Namjoon finishes his glass of vodka and settles it down on the table. “I’d also like to add that I don’t think your brother would’ve spared us our lives if we were anything but supportive. He’s really protective over you. He wouldn’t have introduced you to us if he had any doubts about that. He loves you dearly.”

Your lips form a small smile at their words, hoping Jeongguk found comfort in them as you crane your neck to gauge his reaction. You notice his ears have turned a light pink shade, making you want to nibble on them but you refrain from doing so for now. You nudge him a little teasingly.

“He’s shy around strangers, aren’t you? Guk-ah, these are my friends, Namjoon,” You say, jutting your chin to the man in front of you, “And Hoseok.” You gesture to the other. Jeongguk’s doe eyes lift under his bangs, bowing slightly in greeting to them. Hoseok coos, clearly smitten.

“What a cutie.”

Dismissing the comment however, you get serious. One leg crossed over the other. Hoseok and Namjoon barely need a moment before they’re sitting up straighter. Even with you being the youngest amongst the three, they regarded you with caution and respect, always listening to your whims and assisting you with bails. There was just a commanding aura about you, like now as you pondered silently.

“I’ve told you about my parents,” You start, earning Jeongguk’s attention too as he eyes you curiously at the mention of your mother and father. Hoseok and Namjoon merely nod, allowing you to continue. “I need a favour. There’s… certain things that have come to light… that have taken place while I was enlisted. Jeongguk, baby, could you show them what you showed me?”

And both Hoseok and Namjoon’s gazes follow yours as you stare down at the younger with raised brows. His eyes widen for the second time that night, knowing immediately what you were talking about. It does ache you to see him panic like this but you cup his cheeks and press a reassuring kiss to his lips, nibbling on his bottom lip.

“It’s okay. I’m right here with you.”

He hesitates, clutching your arm as he glances at your friends who try to come off as sweet and unthreatening as possible.

“It’s okay.” You whisper once more in his ear, and Jeongguk lets out a shaky sigh, clutching your arm tighter before loosening his grip as he stands. You keep a light touch on the back of his calf as he gulps, avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room before he takes his top off first and turns around.

You hear Hoseok hiss at the sight first as you reach your hand out for Jeongguk to hold. He intertwines his fingers with yours tightly, grateful. Namjoon’s eyebrows furrow, a heat brimming in his eyes at the scars lining all across Jeongguk’s back. There wasn’t a single expanse of skin that was left unharmed.

“What the fuck is wrong with that man?” Namjoon growls out. The bodyguards scattered around the room themselves are in just as much shock at the sight. They’ve never seen anything like it.

“We’re not done just yet.” You seethe, nodding to Jeongguk and squeezing his hand before letting go. His eyes are brimming with tears at the memories that surface again but he does what he knows you want and starts to unbutton his jeans, dropping them to the floor where they pool around his feet.

It’s upsetting. From the evidence alone, it’s easy to visualise the pain that Jeongguk had endured at the hands of his father, the scars travelling along his ankles and up towards the innermost parts of his thighs where they disappear beneath his boxers. Even sitting down must’ve been agonising the following days. Walking, putting on a pair of trousers, bathing, all of it. It was like medieval torture brought back into modern times.

Jeongguk’s vulnerabilities aren’t something you want to overly expose to your friends—not to anyone, and so after a moment you stand up to pull Jeongguk’s denim jeans up, buttoning them for him and assisting him with putting his shirt on too. His are still brimming with tears as he looks up at you, bottom lip trapped between his teeth to stop it from quivering.

“You did so well, my love. Thank you for being so brave.” You tell him, brushing his hair back as you cup his cheeks. His fingers fist the fabric of your shirt, searching your eyes, and you understand exactly what he needs. You lean down to press your lips against his, causing him to moan quietly into your mouth, tugging you closer. You allow yourself to indulge him in this, knowing it wasn’t easy for him to let down his walls in front of complete strangers like this.

Once he’s satisfied and pulls away, you smile down at him, tapping his chin.

“I’ve gotta talk to Namjoon and Hoseok hyung here in private about something for a bit. Will you be okay in the other room? I’ll have one of the guards go with you.” You say. Jeongguk frowns, not wanting to leave your side but he knows better than to throw a tantrum right now. He nods, although the pout on his lips tells you he’s not going because he wants to.

“Don’t be long.” He tells you once you’ve picked out a suitable guard, making his way into the other room with one last glance thrown your way.

Once the door to the room is closed, your eyes narrow, turning back to your friends. You don’t sit down, your hands move to rest behind your back, and the two men think they know exactly what words are sitting at the top of your tongue before they’re even out.

“Boys, I think it’s time for a bloodbath.”

And Hoseok stands with a commending smile, making his way over to give you a hug.

“Seems we’ve got Brother of the Year here with this guy. I’m in, dude. Anything for you and your cute little Jeonggukie.”

You and Hoseok look over at Namjoon then, who also stands up, pouring himself a glass of vodka as he raises it in cheers. “Usually, I wouldn’t condone murder but this time, I’m right there with you. Let’s make the bastards burn.”

You smirk.

Oh, they’ll burn alright.

TAGLIST ───── @jungkookthevampireslayer , @unguilty

[katz-chow]

Coming from puff puffs blog 🤧🤥 hope you don't mind 😝🙈🙉 ur also totally gaining a new follower..

WHAT ARE YOUR HEADCANONS ON SOAP? 🥰🥰🥰 unless you've already done this before then I am so sorry 😓

relationship with soap headcanons

warnings: sfw, fluff, some angst, relationship arguments, family trauma mentioned, religious trauma, homophobia, bad dad

a/n: my fav cod man is soap so this took my top priority!!! i think about this man a lot, 09 and reboot version. reboot is my fav though, realistically, he's who i would actually get with. here’s all the things i’ve thought about him, there’s probably more tbh… OK OK HERE :))

childhood hcs

johnny soap mactavish comes from a large family of 5 siblings, he's the second oldest. it's elsie, him, blair, callum, and olivia.

growing up in a family of mainly girls got him on that respect women juice. he would always have to make sure his younger siblings are ok and aren't you know, being bullied. his parents were adamant on 2 year age gaps between them all.

his cousin, jack, was an sas operator and that was what made him want to join. they had to call security forces to arrest him out at some point because he kept sneaking in to watch them do stuff lol

elsie left for uni with her bf to live in soho when johnny was 16, the same year he would talk to recruiters around his hometown, driving hours and then getting rejected the same day due to his age

9th grade (year 10) chemistry got him obsessed with stem and its *explosive* results. he aced chemistry and then took advanced chemistry and physics just because he loved it so much

after this, as soon as he turned 18, he went to sign his papers THEN graduated school (he's just like me fr). his mom was so worried for him, especially when her sister told her about the danger that jack would get himself into. in the end, he promised he'll always call her and his siblings

his dad's an ass, hes an alcoholic, a cheater, a *bitch*... he would always take the kids to church on sundays and twisted the religion into a reason for his behavior. claiming that johnny's mom being at home was just "their culture"

she makes a killer shepherd's pie though

always had had some sort of love-hate relationship with the catholic faith. on one hand, it was nice to know there's always at least someone watching out for him, but after hearing the constant belittlement from his father, claiming he wasn't "manly enough" for not willing to give his life up in the service, he started to resent the “all merciful”.

he ended up blaming god for all his faults, letting him take accountability. this especially happened when he got diagnosed with adhd when he was 17, his dad didn’t believe in mental health. his mom was only a bit better about it, they both refused meds for him.

he's bisexual, leans towards women though. found this out after a truth or dare game in junior year (year 12) and some beers in a closet

at one point, callum acccidently let it slip at dinner when johnny had first moved out that he had met a cute guy and their dad screamed and yelled at the whole family, especially their mom, about "raising a fucking whore of a son, dragging the family down to shite"

blair called and told johnny a few days later and johnny rushed his work as quickly as possible and begged his chain of command for a few days off to go back home to his family

his family gets loud…like really loud. there’s 7 people what do you expect?

it gets especially bad when it’s sunday morning and you gotta get 7 people awake and looking their church best for an hour and a half 😔

johnny is the quickest everything there is, which has its downsides too. he could run and swim the fastest in the family, but he was also the quickest eater…meaning he’s on dish washing duty. he’s quick at that too so by the time everyone’s finished, he’s washed all the other dishes that took to make dinner

broke his arm chasing a cat through someone’s yard (he was 14)

had a goat scream and kicked him because he wanted to give it a hug

he got a part time job at a local bakery in 10th grade (year 11). the pay wasn’t much but neither was the work really. olivia, who was 9 at the time, made him promise that he’ll get her a doll to have tea with. her tea set had 4 cups but only one of her, so she must get another one to join her! he kept his promise; he ended up getting three dolls for her

he can make amazing soda bread and brioche loafs now too, still keeps a starter from the owner of the bakery to this day

he had a mountain bicycle that he would take everywhere. had room behind his seat for packages and his backpack, which he would tie down. that thing had such a loud bell too, would ring constantly to “let people know hes coming and get ready”

was terrified of selkies for some reason, always had the window closed and made callum sleep by it while he slept by the door

wasn’t much of a troublemaker, but would get into trouble with his adventurous heart.

got lost in the woods once and after a while of fake courage, he sat down and cried until elsie found him. he was 20 yards (13 meters) away from the clearing 😭😭

laugh at that guys, mf was 15

personality & relationship hcs

johnny is such a fun lover. he’s handsome yeah, but what makes ppl flaunt over him is his humor. he’s what jessica rabbit said “he makes me laugh”

such a charismatic and charming person, gets it from his dad. he could talk about just about anything, also the type to strike up a conversation with a stranger at the grocery store. then end up with their number and a date or helping them dog sit

this isn’t always a good thing though, one time before he was medicated, he would talk on and on, his story becoming incoherent due to the amount of self-interruptions he made, that a group of guys got so annoyed at that pub, they punched him.

he was young, 19, and couldn’t fight, so he didn’t win and came back to the barracks with a nasty black eye

he likes to be the big spoon, has to hold something in order to sleep

feel like he’s the type to wrap his arms around a pillow and lay on his stomach to sleep

speaking of sleeping, he HATES sleeping with socks on. he tried it one day and he just shivered at the feel of it, woke up and his socks were missing (he found them under the bed)

i also feel like he sleeps like a log, unmoving once he finds his comfort, i also think it's because he had to sleep in the same bed as his siblings at one point and he didn't want to wake them by moving, so he got accustomed to being a still sleeper

one time he accidentally got into a fight at a bar when a guy kept being misogynistic and was arrested and kept in jail for the whole night until one of his civilian friends bailed him out

johnny's the type to race you in the rain to the car. again, he's quick so he's always ahead of you but then he slips from the rain and ends up all wet and muddy and in the car.

his favorite thing to do is hear you laugh. he'll do anything to hear you laugh.

whenever you're sad, he'll purposely stub his toe or trip down the stairs or make you kiss his "owie" (a papercut) to get you to cheer up. like yeah it hurts like a fucking bitch but seeing you sad hurts more than a silly tumble

number one date event is city exploring and hopping. like cafe hopping, pub hopping, museum hopping, restaurant hopping, anything that makes you get up and get going with time to sit and chill at the same time.

feels like he can eat a lot, he's the type to eat your food if you end up not liking it or being too full

when he gets home from missions and the initial excitement of seeing you dies down, he also dies down and nap for hours until it's the middle of the night and he gets up to eat something.

he loves naps. feels like he needs a nap time every day if it was possible

he's a very kind lover, he's easy going so its not hard that sometimes people take advantage of this and push his buttons until he can't take it anymore

causes a huge blowup because he can have a nasty temper whenever he bottles stuff up and pushes things aside

not a physical manifestation of anger, but definitely a verbal anger, will say things he doesn't really mean just to say it and realize right after the words leave his lips that he fucked up

but he'll stake out in front of the guest bedroom in which you've locked yourself in until you come out and he gets the chance to forgive you

the type to stand in the rain and hold a sign saying sorry right outside your window, a very cheesy romcom style (gaz made him watch them)

he loves you more than anything and loves you even more than you can keep up with him and laugh at his jokes, no matter how awful they are

he wants 4 kids by the way

[lazorbeanz]

Why do you personally ship, like, or appreciate Sonamy? What got you into Sonamy? What’s your favorite moment between the two?

Why do I ship Sonamy?

Okay, ima admit it..for someone who is a diehard sonamy fan, and thinks about AND ONLY about them literally every waking second, I can not think of ONE reason why I ship them to begin with….

“So you just ship them for basically no reason WHY?!” Pretty much 😅

And I’ve seen so many other people give their really good reasons and opinions on why they ship sonamy, and I full on agree with ‘em, but as for myself, I rack up nothing…and it’s my favourite ship too I mean come onnn TwT

I’ve also had my sister ask me this same question not long ago, and all I could do was just sit there and think “Damn your life almost revolves around these 2 HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE AN ANSWER?!” I constantly beat myself up for this because I know I should 😭

And I mean, stuff like being the dynamic duo that they are, (whether in battle or not) their attitude and affection for each other evolving over time, respecting the other’s wants and needs, respecting boundaries (kinda the same thing tbh lol) , enjoying each others company, and just how the whole idea of sonamy has turned from what some people may see as “toxic” or “forced” (that might be the better word for it) from early 2000s media, to something more laid back and healthy like recent media because of all the character development over the years… etc, etc…are all fantastic reasons, and even reasons I would now apply as to why I love the ship even more…BUT they’re not the reasons I began to ship them in the first place, because these things I NEVER took into consideration when I starting doing so.

To put a long story short, I just saw pink and blue hedgies and was like, “ooooh I sense chemistry”

I feel like I could be going no where with all this. But all I’m tryna say is that I LIKE sonamy simply because of who they are…just a speedy blue boi and his hammer-wielding pink girlie. I APPRECIATE them solely because of their existence, especially in my life. They are like- one of the few things I ever look forward to these days. I SHIP them because unlike any other ship that has sonic or amy in it, sonamy just… “works” (I don’t know how to explain it but you know what I mean right??) And despite not being canon, (YET! 😏) they have got to be the closest ship to becoming canon (besides vectilla) ..unless I’m just biased :p

What got me into Sonamy?

Well, I did kinda just answer this in the previous question lol but I have to elaborate!

So yeah it started off with just seeing them 2 together and thought “I like where this is going hehe” tho tbh it never really went anywhere…because I was watching Sonic Boom at the time XD, the first piece of Sonic media I consumed since regaining an interest in the franchise. AND WE ARE NOT going back to like 2015 or 16 when I first discovered Sonic…idek what I did regarding shipping back then…I think I like shipped blaze and shadow or something OH LAWD-

Also to think that those short lived Sonamy moments in Boom didn’t even bother me in the slightest?! Present me is disgusted by such lack of interest or care! 😫

Okay okay I’m straying from the question, I’m sorry!!

There are a few things that got me hooked on Sonamy. First was definitely the tv series’. Boom, Prime and X all had adorable and wholesome moments that I could’ve almost died of cuteness from! Some of it was also hilarious too. In Sonic boom for instance, sonic and Amy would fight like a married couple lololol

Another thing (and this was the game changer) was the fanart and animatics. These became the addiction for me; one comic would lead to me reading another, which lead me to read another and so on. Or I’d find an animatic on YT and watch that and then begin scavenging trying to find more animatics to feed these cravings of sonamy I was beginning to gain all of a sudden.

And it just got worse and worse to the point I practically need a daily dose of Sonamy or I just might go feral

But I mean, how could I not?! YOU GUYS ARE SO GOSH DARN TALENTED AKJDJSJDND

Sadly now my food hath runneth dry over the months…so if any of u like come across anything sonamy pls don’t hesitate to tag me or send it to me pls I need it ajhshsjs

On top of all that, came the brainrot. My growing love for this ship and all the incredible media really sent me into a serious Sonamy delulu era. Literally almost ANYTHING can send me into deep thoughts about those 2, no kidding. I literally planned out in my head an entire story of them a couple days ago. Sometimes it’s a head canon or 2, other times just something extremely wholesome I’ll imagine them do and I’ll be deceased. Those rats live in my head rent free omg-

As I said, ANYTHING can trigger this brainrot; a song, a scene, a quote, a random object…you name it, I’ll come up with a Sonamy headcanon in relation to it.

I can’t also forget other sonic media that also boosted it like game cutscenes and IDW. Lately IDW has been CARRYING it for me with the little Sonamy moments like in the 900th adventure, #67 and other tidbits I’d find in former issues. The amount of frames I’ve seen of them hugging warms my heart waaa🥺🥺

Overall, this fandom has really impacted me and my love for Sonamy. (and sonic in general) all the things I’ve learnt and discovered have made me love them all the more because of it. My life has almost become an Sonamy aesthetic now…I am NOT joking when I tell you my PJs are Sonamy coded, and that was hardly intentional…🤣

Favourite Sonamy moment?

Arrghhh why just one?? Pretty much ANY moment involving those 2 cotton candy hedgies are bound to be my favourite!

Totally not saying this cuz I can’t pick a favourite *cough cough*

Take this, it’s the only Sonamy image I really have in my photo album rn.. (I should be in jail for this)

Its one of my favs so it counts :)

Woowee that just about covers it! Now you know all about my weird and wonderweird love for my favourite ship :D 🩷💙

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

Seeing Ian in season 1 puts into perspective the amount of BS he had to go through. Like when I think of things I wish were addressed with more weight, Ian's abuse at the hands of older men is one of them. I know Ian doesn't see it that way but others do (Mickey and Lip) and it feels like it's constantly glossed over. Lip says he wanted to call the police on Kash but he couldn't bring himself to do it. A scene of that would've reinforced just how wrong it is, instead of the situation ending with Kash is a sad middle-aged man and that's why Ian shouldn't want him. Not, Kash is a predator and Ian is a victim.

We can also talk about how both Lip and Debbie are victims of grooming. Grooming was never seriously addressed on the show.

i’m actually so pissed that grooming was never addressed as it was such a big issue for ian, debbie, lip, and also kind of carl but not really (with lori i think her name was, his boss). the only time grooming is ever brought up is with tami but it’s just a one episode thing and it’s irrelevant to the plot tbh.

ian’s situation devastates me because he never ends up thinking it’s wrong. he was constantly objectified by these older men he was with, too. to them he was seen as just a “boy toy” or the “forbidden fruit”. not only were his relationships with kash and ned creepy, but the guys at the club, too. for example, the one who dragged him out of the club, barely conscious, after giving him a roofie. ian graciously accepted the pill like he was used to it, and he probably was. he let this guy drug and grope him, and i always see people saying “imagine what would’ve happened if mickey hadn’t come” and i’ll tell you what would’ve happened, he would’ve been raped. and i can guarantee you with how used to it he was, it had happened before. and i’ll say more about this with lip and debbie, but i firmly believe the reason he indulged into these relationships was to fill the void frank created.

debbie’s situation is also devastating. if you recall, when lip was trying to convince ian that what happened with kash was wrong/grooming people is wrong, he said “ok so what if it was debbie and a 30 year old dude”, ironically, in the next season she gets with a 20 year old dude who for some fucking reason, a good percentage of the fandom sympathizes with/sides with. here’s the real deal: matty groomed her. he was into her, knowing she was 13, but didn’t want to have sex with her, in fear of himself going to prison. prison was the only thing stopping him, he said it himself that he thought she was sexy and wanted to. and before anyone says anything about how debbie did tell him she was 16 at first when he first started to like her, he could obviously tell. the point was that it was obvious she was lying. and yeah, what debbie did was wrong. i’ve said a lot about this before, but what he did was wrong, too. he led her on, flirted with her, promised to have sex with her, slept in the same bed as her, and also talked to all of her friends for some reason, he was a creep!! no grown adult should be hanging out/flirting with an adolescent girl, and it scares me that people defend him. like i said with ian, she was trying to fill a void. not only that, but she was mirroring fiona’s actions. she had seen her sister get into unhealthy relationships, so she did just. and the worst thing was debbie didn’t even like him, it was just comphet. so it was some adult with a one-sided crush on a teenager. creepy. at this time, frank was dying and fiona was working/locked up, she needed attention because she was lacking it, so she went to him for it because she knew he’d give her it.

lip’s situation i have less to say about because technically, he was an adult, but regardless, it was creepy as fuck. more so, his attachment to her was creepy. this is what happens when you get groomed, you grow attached. and lip was so fucking attached it destroyed him when she ignored him. like his siblings, this was to fill the void a parent created. but this time, frank isn’t responsible, monica is. i’ve never really spoken about this despite having a lot to say, but lip and monica’s relationship effects him a lot. i hate to say this, but he’s treated women like shit because of it (i’m not saying he always does, but he has- i’ll explain more in depth sometime) and his mother abandoning him clearly altered his perspective on women. i think that monica leaving made him (and every other sibling, especially debbie) grow attached easily, and i think it also made him lose respect for some women because he just saw his mom in them. i saw a post that explains this a lot better than i am right now so if i find it i’ll definitely link it so it makes more sense.

[kris-mage-fics]

(Oooh we love an equal opportunity shipper and I didn’t know about the rest!) Shery Tallys Chase and Red x Kyrah and 6,7,14,26 and 29 for whatever pairing you want to answer for whatever question 👀

This gets long and there are some alpha build spoilers for #29 so I put at the end. Also, here are some answers about Kyrahlise's relationships with Blade, and with Tallys. (Romance Asks, which btw, if you want to ask any feel free to do so even though I reblogged ages ago. I promise it won't take me five months to answer, lol!)

6. Who is the big spoon? Big spoon: Tallys Little spoon: Shery They switch: Chase and Red, though I think they're both the big spoon more often than Kyrah

7. Favorite date activity? Shery: snuggling under a blanket and reading together, going to cozy tea rooms and cafes, taking crafty classes together

Red: picnics, star-gazing, trips to museums, infodumping to each other

14. Is there anything they associate with each other? Shery → Kyrahlise: room cat, bright smiles, drawings, fresh baked bread, letters and notes with little doodles, paint stained hands Kyrahlise → Shery: sweets (especially cake), morning, roses, racy novels, afternoon tea, floral scents

Chase → Kyrahlise: books, her perfume, rose gold and amethyst, the sound of a pencil on paper, painted flowers, linen sheets, sunshine (that’s his own damn fault tbh) Kyrahlise → Chase: her sun medallion, pretty daggers, open windows, fancy scarves, rings, midnight

(Red don't get one because he associates too. many. things. with his ex-girlfriend, and I haven't spent enough time with Tallys to know what she'd associate with Kyrahlise. Though I can say that Kyrah has a pattern of associating certain times of day with people, like Red is sunset, and Tallys is early morning.)

26. How important is the romance in your OC’s overall story?

No matter who Kyrahlise is with, the romance is important to her overall story. It helps her realize people do actually care about her as a person. Which is something she’s struggled to fully believe since her 13th birthday. She’d actually made a lot of progress on that during her time at the Circle. But the 9/10 years since she left set her back quite a bit.

Also Kyrahlise starts to unpack the idea that she’s a walking time bomb. She told the Shepherds the truth about her past in Chapter 3, and none of them treated her like a threat. Then someone falls in love with her knowing her role in Vale’s disappearance, and the god-like power she wields? There are only two conclusions she can draw. One: they are all suicidal idiots to not be scared of her. Two: She isn’t the existential danger she’s believed herself to be for 16/17 years. Since the first can’t reasonably be applied to everyone in the Shepherds, she has to start to let go of this belief. The fact that someone loves her is the final crack in the foundation of this idea, allowing her to clear away the pieces. 

Something I’ve mentioned before, though I don’t recall where, is that Kyrahlise is very determined to stay alive because she needs to keep the memories of Vale. This butts up against her bad habit of underestimating how much danger she is in, thus making her appear reckless. She also has a rather self-sacrificing nature. As you can imagine, this creates a strange cocktail of things going on in her head. Since joining the Shepherds, her terrible risk assessment, as well as her borderline reckless heroism, has really come to the fore. And she can justify these things as “doing her job”.

Once fully in a romance, she starts to be a little more careful. The thought of upsetting the person she loves by getting hurt when it could’ve been prevented is enough to give her pause. Though I do think this happens fastest if she’s with Blade, because he’s so protective of her (and would be the main thing they fight about). It would happen second fastest with Shery and Red since they are both worriers, and she feels guilty adding to that worry. But it does happen no matter who she’s with, just the speed and details change.

Not that Kyrah, or anyone, needs romance to learn these things. She’s just dense when it comes to what she means to people, platonically or romantically. She doesn’t put more value in romantic relationships, but she’s never been in love before (sorry Circle era Red, lol). The newness of this type of love makes it all the more raw and forces her to examine these beliefs faster.

29. What are your favorite moments that happen between them? (Spoilers for the alpha build below, so if you haven't played beyond the public demo feel free to skip this.)

Shery: In Chapter 8 during the first trial when you talk to everyone, you can heal Shery’s ankle, and the romance version of that scene had me kicking my feet and twirling my hair! The sweet longing looks, the touch of gentle sexual tension! Sometimes I just go back and reread that scene because I love it so much!

Tallys: I love how in Chapter 8 MC can comfort her! She’s so calm and in control of herself most of the time, that it’s really nice to be able to be there for her when she needs it. I like seeing a different side of her. Also, it amuses me that it turns into a make-out session, but that’s very Tallys!

Chase: Okay, the bed sharing scene in Chapter 7 where you can push the beds together with Chase absolutely destroys me! I honestly cried the first time I read it! He’s so sweet and tender, and clearly already head over heels for MC. But MC feels like they can’t trust that side of him. 

Red: Gods, it’s hard to pick! Is it his second day off with the awkward encounter at lunch? Or in Chapter 5 when he doesn’t want MC to know he got propositioned? Or that conversation in Chapter 7 where he’s trying to suss out if MC is into him, and then the kids interrupt?

[peppeppu]

I made Kenta Kosaku when I was 16 because I wanted to join a MHA RP group on DeviantArt. He’s probably the first(?) serious OC I ever thought of. Fr I took his hand and YANKED him out of my sketchbook and posted him online to be perceived (which is quite scary). I had a lot of illustrations of him, although now all of that old stuff has been archived and can’t be seen publicly. I’m grateful that my old RP applications and art haven’t disappeared forever when my laptop blew up into smithereens on that fateful day of 09/03/2021. Couldn’t save all the files unfortunately, but at least I’ve got a few saved. But hey! At least I can still draw, and I’m here now to info-dump, rant about, and post updates of my characters.

If I post different versions of Kenta (and other OCs) later on, just treat them as AU variants (I don’t believe there’s a true/canon universe for my OCs; I like to drop them in whatever world and see what happens. It’s exciting that way!).

With Kenta specifically, I like to follow a certain pattern when putting him in different, fictional universes. It helps me to keep his overall character consistent if I use and have him interact with different peoples’ OCs. So with that said, I basically made Kenta to be the kind of character who’s part of the common crowd, desperately wanting to be somebody else. And who’s that “somebody else”? Depends on the setting :]

…Urgh, there’s so much to talk about. Where do I even start? Maybe a brief character intro/history to this AU of Kenta? I LOVE talking about OCs (both mine and others’. Actually, it wouldn’t be a bad idea if I also info-dumped the ships my OCs are/were in… hmm. //writes it down).

For the MHA RP group, it would’ve been easy to make Kenta quirkless (being born with no superpower) and have him seek out a way to obtain a quirk through false means, or just pretend like he has a quirk— but in reality, he’s just a normie. But according to the actual MHA world (since the RP group was heavily based on the canonicity of the manga/anime series), it's a fact that around 80% of the population are born with a quirk. Thus in this universe, Kenta did have a quirk… I just made it a very useless one LOL.

Thinking back on it now, it’s so stupid I don’t know why I came up with this HAHAHA. But it’s an immobilizing quirk that only works if his lips make contact on another person’s bare skin (I dubbed it thee… “Petrifying Kiss”). I don’t think the user gets stunned for long either; when I’m trying to imagine this quirk in a combat scenario… it genuinely sucks. Like, all it would take is for the other person to be covered head-to-toe in their hero/villain suit, and Kenta would have no way to stun them. However, it was 100% my intention to give him a forgettable, pointless quirk. Tbh it doesn’t have to be the one I chose, I could easily replace the one he had with another quirk as equally worthless and laughable.

Like, if you had a cool quirk, you could totally show it off right? For Kenta, he had no chance of doing that. So he would often be ignored at school. Maybe at first his classmates made fun of him for having a stupid quirk, but over the years the jokes would get old pretty quickly. Even his parents pitied him? But they probably didn’t do much to help him feel better about his own quirk, nor did they try to get involved in their son’s life. So, he’s very much emotionally neglected. I believe I wrote down somewhere about his history (it was required by the group to have it in your character application) that his quirk was a combination of both his mother’s Recovery quirk (like Chiyo Shuzenji’s Heal quirk) and his father’s Immobilization quirk. On the night when Kenta’s quirk developed (he was around 4-yrs-old), he accidentally immobilized his mother when giving her a good-night kiss on the cheek. Even though the effect is short-lasting, it’s pretty unfortunate :[

Before Kenta had developed his quirk, he pretty much lived out a normal childhood. His future still undetermined with the lack of a quirk, his parents have always hoped that he’d either join his mom in ailing sick patients at the hospital (inheriting a similar Recovery quirk) or become a hero like his father (he’s no big-shot; probably works at a hero agency under a pro-hero). Sadly with the reveal of his dumb kiss quirk— discussing further more onto what Kenta can and can’t do— his parents deemed it was considered useless now to raise him into someone they hoped he’d grow up to. Ever since then, he was pretty much ignored in the household, failing to live up to his parents’ expectations. So where and how is he going to get the love and attention that he oh-so desperately wants?

When the teasing at school stopped, it left Kenta with a strange sort of emptiness inside his heart. He had gotten used to the teasing so much that he used it as a coping mechanism to remind that he still “existed.” Without the attention from his parents and peers, he did whatever he could to get it all back. As a result, this led to a series of him changing his appearance drastically multiple times, and a sudden shift in his personality. He started acting out during school and at home too— anything he could do to get a reaction out of those around him.

Oh, remember when I previously mentioned how I “follow a certain pattern” with Kenta’s character? Ideally, I want there to be some sort of “canon event” that takes place in his life (no matter the universe/setting) that marks the turning point of what makes him the way he is (as in, the design of Kenta that you currently see right now. Yes, he didn’t always have pink hair. It’s all hair dye). So for this group, I’ve had Kenta overhear his classmates about a big villain attack that had occurred over where U.A. High School was. Witnessing the non-stop chatter about villains from his peers is what gave Kenta the idea to become a villain himself. He then made a promise to the world that he’ll become somebody unforgettable.

“But wait,” you think to yourself. How the hell is he a villain? He doesn’t look menacing? He looks hella goofy instead. His hair even looks like a pink poop emoji. Well, let me tell ya another sad truth… he sucks at being a villain LOL. This dude’s threat level is unbelievably low, like I can joke that his worst crime would actually be stealing candy from a baby. He’s just a nuisance to the neighborhood, and likes to grab the attention of licensed heroes from time to time. Like “Ooh, LOOK! I’m looiiitering! :D” and the heroes would simply smack their foreheads and shake their heads. So far in the RP group I had him in, the numerous things he got to do were pestering a tech repair shop employee, somehow crashing into events he was never given an invite to, annoying the new incoming U.A. students (who were all other peoples’ OCs), and briefly bumping into other villains (who also were peoples’ OCs! Yeah, the group accepted both student AND villain characters. Which I think was pretty cool).

It’s unfortunate that I decided to leave the group at some point (other people left too). There was an issue in regards to the group somehow staying in “limbo mode” for a long time, and a LOT of good roleplay logs that people have accumulated were suddenly not considered part of the group’s canon lore anymore. So essentially, everyone had to “start over” with their characters not knowing each other and having to re-introduce them again. It felt a bit of time wasted, but I was mainly sad that any character development/friendships Kenta had gained along the way was now tossed to the side.

But enough about the group, I’m here to talk about my son :] I think this post was a nice introduction to this version of Kenta (I’m sorry if I jumped through topics pretty quickly, my writing will get better I promise). Soon enough, you'll get to see the Jabberwock Isle version of him.

Next couple of posts I’ll either talk more about his design + personality in-depth, or perhaps start doodling other characters I have in mind...

Note: Originally I was going to upload like, 9 files all in a single post but I miiight just go with posting things in short bursts because

I worry that having LONG text posts might look daunting.

I’ve been patient enough and I REALLY want to start posting art on Tumblr like a lot more.

That's all for now :]

[itwaslegendary]

okay here comes a LONGGGGG post about my experience at eras 🫶

———

we arrived yesterday. today in the morning i went have breakfast (a shake and some crepes) and then i went back to the hotel with my friend to get dressed up. after that we went grab the metro to the santiago bernabeu stop because it’s the closest one to the stadium.

when we got down and saw the stadium for the first time (well- second for me) we started freaking out because we were SO CLOSE to actually being IN there.

we first went check out the merch stores, at first i wasn’t going to buy anything but i ended up deciding to get the blue crewneck :,) afterwards we went look for a place to eat. i had a plate of pasta.

then we took some pictures outside (there was an eras tour film poster!!) and during the hour we had until our doors opened we decided to go trade bracelets. my friend ran out of them but because i was a beast and made 60 for 1 night i still have a few left.

i swear to god everyone was SO NICE, which was so refreshing because i’m used to the people in my school which are the closest thing to demons tbh. plus after having been bullied and excluded from all kinds of hangouts it felt so beautiful to feel included and see everyone so warming and friendly. 😭 if i could live at a taylor swift concert i would.

16:00 came and we decided to join our queue because even thought we had assigned seats we wanted to go in asap ! at first i was worried because i had a portable battery and i thought they’d throw it but ig the guard didn’t see it because we got in without any problem! by 16:20 we were in :D

our section was right in front of us but we wanted to check where the bathroom was first. the “field” is not closed so you could kinda see the stage and GUYS we freaked out again because there’s no way to describe what you feel when you see the eras tour stage for the first time because it means you’re THERE. that this is happening and you’re actually going to see taylor perform a 3 hour and a half show with all her eras (except debut but that’s a topic for another day). that the day you’ve been waiting for for so long has finally come. 😭

we talked a lot with a girl in front of us and the two beside us (the seats next to me were empty until way after paramore finished) and they were super nice, we love them 🫶 we traded some other bracelets and took some photos

then paramore came out and hayley was SO GOOD!!!! while they’re not my favorite band they were soooo fun and i knew some songs so i sang along :,) however i was sweating so much and i also needed to go to the bathroom because i had drunk like 5 bottles of water because it was HOT and also i was afraid of dehydration lol. so i had to miss 2 songs so i could go refresh myself.

we kept waiting and here i got mad because after paramore my friend said “i’m going to the bathroom” and i was like ok sure. 20 minutes went by and she was still not here so i got scared thinking i’d lost her, so i went find her…. the minute i crossed the door in ha mood started playing and everyone screamed. my friend was in the queue all nice and was the next to go in, so i got back to our seats and asked one of the girls we’d befriended if the “cleaning cart” had come out and she said yes 😭 i had missed that moment but all fine

my friend came back during applause. the countdown started and we all FREAKED OUT X3 and started counting down screaming from 13 downwards. i filmed my reaction to the intro because while i had seen it a billion times already seeing it live feels SO DIFFERENT (but the video got cut the instant taylor appeared smh). i was trembling and almost crying, for some reason singing along to the intro like it was my job.

… SHE came out. we screamed cried probably fainted too and here i kinda lost myself because i just remember being so excited about the bodysuit (i love purple and the tassels JSKAJ) and thinking like “oh my god she’s there she’s actually there i am seeing her in person she’s so pretty what what wHAT” and screaming miss americana + cruel summer like it was my only purpose in this life.

the crowd was insanely loud so i decided to play it safe and put earplugs on and LORDDDD THE DIFFERENCE taylor sounded SO much better, like you could actually hear her voice clearly and neatly and i got out with no ringing or pain whatsoever. i could sing along quite loudly and perfectly fine without only hearing myself (i only took them out in very specific occasions like illicit affairs and the smallest man who ever lived)

she spoke to us in spanish too 😭 just a few words but “encantada de conoceros” “hola” "vamos!!" “bienvenidos a la eras tour” “muchas gracias” etc. told us how we were being sooo loud and probably the loudest crowd ever!!! she also said that we all made her feel at home here not only in the stadium but also outside <3 (ik she says more or less the same things in every country but shhhh)

the 22 hat kid was ADORABLE he was so excited to get the hat and the interaction was so cute overall <3 during all too well she stopped a second to say that we were singing sooo loud (which from what i’ve seen does not happen too often!) and that this is the loudest she has ever heard this song 💓

during reputation we screamed “in the middle of the night in madrid” andddd we believe that she may have sung it too during the last verse which would be INCREDIBLE and so iconic 😭

in folkmore there was an issue with her guitar (she did not explain what) but it got fixed super quickly. i love small mishaps like these because it makes her look more authentic (?), like closer to the public, makes the atmosphere kinda look like we are all friends in here and she’s just at a cafe with a friend chatting jksja.

she also had to stop twice; once during betty and another during august, because some people in GA needed help. she saw the flashlights and asked (in spanish) the guards and sanitary staff to help. it was so nice to see how much she cares for the safety of her crowds, like you could see during betty how her face changed to a soft expression once she's told that everything was okay 🤍 we also have to thank that the staff in our show was fast and did everything right :)

the champagne problems ovation was adorable, i love in general her reactions because that’s pookie right there. it’s so personal to me how she throws her arms around her head and laughs and says i love you thank you like a hundred times ugh i love her with my whole soul ☹️

1989 was soo fun! (i got the outfit right but wrong order 😭) but the bad blood fires were. pretty noticeable LMFKWOS it was already hot and with then the thing got much hotter but it cooled down quite fast.

TTPD OH MY GODDDDD it’s def my favorite set. loved the choreo the outfits the setlist EVERYTHINGGGGG. i screamed the the smallest man who ever lived sooo loud and the i can do it with a broken heart’s “intro” was so fun too ajdkaj. i loved so high school even if it was just 30 seconds jdka

THE. SURPRISE. SONGS. at first she started talking about how we have been supporting her since the beginning and we knew a debut song was coming. the jump then fall mashup was AWESOME it’s one of my faves from fearless and it fit so well 🫶

for the piano one she said nothing. she just sat and started playing. i knew that i recognized the song but i could not fully realize which song it was until she sang “i’m perfectly fine” and there i lost it. i went blank for 5 seconds and then just SCREAMEDDDDD those lyrics like my life depended on it. i will never hear these 3 songs the same way again 🥹

after those surprise songs i went blank again but this time because the visuals of lavender haze are so beautiful i had to record them. i had to sit down during mastermind because my feet were exhausted… during karma i had a breakdown because it meant that the best day of my entire life was coming to an end, so i was singing along while crying like a little kid.

overall, i would repeat this a billion more times. it was the best night of my life and it has marked a before and after in my life (not exaggerating) and i hope i have the chance to experience these same feelings again for a future tour 🫶

[lyranova]

Hi, it’s clover anon. For the ask game can you answer 3, 6, 9, 16, 32, 43, 47, 50. If it is too much just answer 3.

Hiya Clover anon! This isn’t too much, no worries 🥰!!

3 Have you ever written a soulmate AU? If you haven't, why would/wouldn't you write one?

Nope, I’ve never written a Soulmate AU 😅! And tbh…I haven’t really wanted/actually thought about writing one because I know so many other writers and mutuals who’ve written them and in so many different ways…I think that’s the only way I would ever write one, was if I could come up with a different or unique way to write it 🤔. But right now…I’ve got nothing and no real inspiration to write a Soulmate AU 😅. But maybe someday!

6 Have you ever started to write a relationship and had it develop differently than you expected? How so?

Hmm…romantic relationships? Not really. Platonic ones? A bit 😆! I think, all the platonic friendships my friends OC’s and my OC’s have together developed a bit differently then I (or we) imagined; I mean, we all knew they would be friends, but I didn’t think they would all be so close, and I love it so much 🥹💕! I couldn’t imagine any of them and their relationships any other way!!

9 When you write, do you plan out the stages of a relationship, or just let it flow? Do you have any works where the characters seem to "write themselves"?

Hm, depends! Most times I have the relationship stages planned, but there are times and moments where I let the relationship flow and take its own course! I have a few works where the characters write themselves, and right now it’s my AU’s 😆!

16 Are there any relationship dynamics/tropes you enjoy reading about, but wouldn't want to write yourself? Vice versa?

Hmm…I think enemies to lovers is one of the few tropes I write about but don’t read 🤔. It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just I haven’t found many that appeal to me 😅. As far as ones I enjoy reading about but wouldn’t write, hmm…I guess Isekai fics/stories? I’ve read quite a few, but have never really written one myself (nor have I really wanted to)

32 Do you find it more fun to write soft, domestic romances, or dramatic thrillers?

Honestly? Depends on the day and what mood I’m in. I love writing soft, domestic romances, but sometimes I love a dramatic thriller! Right now, most of my AU’s are a combination of both because I really like them (especially the Butler AU 😉)!

43 How do you feel about unhappy endings? Unrequited love? Major character death?

Oof…i love to hate and hate to love all of these 😆! I have done all three at one point or another (Unrequited love with my OC Phoebe and @thoughtfullyrainynightmare ‘s OC Leon, Unhappy ending/Major Character Death with Dandelion Wishes and Children of the Future). So I enjoy them, but not all the time XD!

47 What's the most self-indulgent relationship you've written? Are there any particular moments/scenes that you wrote just for you?

*points to YuNeva and Zerilliam* Those are the most self indulgent relationships I’ve written 😆! I know a lot of people don’t like them, and that’s okay, and frankly I don’t care because I do and sometimes…I want to be a little selfish and write something for me that I hope others also enjoy!

Honestly if you read any fic/story involving them you’ll find many moments and scenes that I wrote just for me 😆!

50 Free space! Brag on yourself! Advertise your writing! What are you most proud of recently?

Umm…again, I haven’t really been writing very much the last few days/weeks…but I guess I’ll share another snippet from my Butler AU 😅.

He remembered the time the song began to play, and she began to gently move and sway in front of him as they walked to the Black Bird Café together. He remembered how she reminded him of a branch that gently swayed in the wind, how the gentle breeze rushed over her and gently tousled her loose braid, and the gentle smell of lilacs and vanilla from her perfume filled his senses.

The smell of lilacs that has once nauseated him, now made him smile and caused his heart to flutter.

[lizzibennet]

Hiii you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but what made you realise you were a lesbian rather than bi? As someone who has always identified as bi since discovering the concept of it, sometimes I really do wonder.

Or do u think of it as more fluidly- something that changes with the time of life and people you surround yourself with and other factors.

And are all the sexuality phases you have been through just as valid as the current one or can the past be negated by the strong sense of change at that moment?

Idk I just want your thoughts on it (again feel free to ignore!) (Ps: also i would love to hear your recommendation on bi lit books, fiction or otherwise!!)

sooooo to put it very simply, i realized my “attraction” to men was actually just a sense of me wanting to get recognition and validation from them. this was truly SHOCKING to me as i’ve always considered myself a pretty independent person who didn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks, and on a surface level that is true, but this was something unconscious, in such a deep level that i needed help in therapy to be able to understand it! there was just something about being *desired* by men that made me feel good, but things like, say, sex or the actual romantic relationships i pursued with them were never fulfilling to me, emotionally or physically. i also was always into men who just were not good to me and i sought it out, i think, as a form of self harm. i just thought that’s how i was! and then i met my girlfriend and just so much slotted into place. i think a lot is different because she is the love of my life, but i also needed to admit how many things seemed to be different because she is a woman, how many things are good and easy with her and were good and easy with my ex gf but were terrible headaches when dating my ex bfs. so much of my demeanor just unconsciously changed when we started dating and i felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, like i didn’t need to “perform” as a woman as much, and as someone who DI DN’T think i performed before i knew there was something to examine there. truly there is so much!!!! a lot of my life seems to make more sense now! i always had a little bit of doubt and even tested the label when i was like 16 but in the end i just realized even if the gf and i broke up i would simply never want to date a man again ever in my life and would only ever pursue women from then on. i also realized the things i did like about the men i dated were simply things i could get from friends. i could never be wholly fulfilled only being friends with women, i’d want to date and fall in love with them, but i do not need or want that from men. the few parts of my relationships w men i did like (which were pointedly not the sexual or romantic part of it, more like the camaraderie of it i guess) i easily get from my male friends now. saurrrr this is totally rambly because it’s still very much not tidy in my mind yet tbh but yeah comphet and a lot of self hatred did a number on me LMAO

i think sexuality can definitely be fluid and i could very well have been bisexual and then later become a lesbian! i personally don’t think that was the case with me, i think i’ve always been a lesbian and just now with the clarity of AdulthoodTM and so many relationships and experiences i can have more context and know that i’ve probably always really been attracted to women and thats all. in the end even when i id’d as bi i always said i did not want to marry a man and always thought i’d end up with a woman so i think at some level i probably always knew a little bit.

(of course bisexuals with preferences exist and having been on the receiving end of biphobia so many times over the course of the last decade i feel very strongly that bi experiences and the bi community and its history are very important for all lgbt people to know! id’ing as bi, i always felt like the fact a ton of our experiences were not black and white and uniform made other members of the lgbt community uncomfortable, and, well, now i’m a lesbian with a track record that can only be defined as contentious lmao, so i relate stoll. the discussions happening within bi spaces are all very enlightening and important. i always felt safe and very welcomed in bi spaces and i loved the local community. i just felt like i had to say this- i need it to be very clear that my experience does not invalidate bisexuality in any way shape or form)

i have no like ill will towards past me for not “seeing it” sooner, i simply do not want to be that anymore. idk if “negate” is the word i’d use, i think all my past experiences as they happened then were valid and important and tbh if interpreted them as i was back then then i have no interest in going back and revisiting all of it. i thought of myself like that back then, i lived my life as best as i could then, this is what i think now and i’ll live my life as best as i can from now on. i’m not really the type to latch/hold onto past deeds. i’ll reexamine something if i think it’s worthwhile for current me but i don’t feel the need to go and recontextualize my entire life it that makes sense. that’s how i was then and this is how i am now, both phases are just as valid in my opinion

tldr i 🩷 my gf!!!!!!!!!!

[ifyougoillfollow]

Fic Writer Interview

Oooh, this looks fun! Thanks @plusultraetc for tagging me!

-- How many works do you have on AO3?

16. Huh. Didn’t think it was that many tbh. Yay me? :D

-- What's your total AO3 word count?

97,793! Almost 100k! Yipee!

Fun Fact: Before my latest fic, it was at a nice, very satisfying 88,888. I’d like to say that’s why it took me over a year to upload another fic, but well. I’d be lying lolol.

-- What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

a definite sign of what we will be (someday)

be my fictional obsession (my newest daydream)

you know i make you wanna scream

like sugar and cyanide

like heaving through corrupted lungs (‼)

(^ Didn’t think she’d make the cut! Proud of her!!)

-- Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I love responding to comments!! It’s a wonderful excuse to ramble about my writing and share my thoughts about my beloved blorbos with like-minded souls. Unfortunately, I am. Shy. I’m usually good at responding when a fic first drops because the sheer adrenaline/euphoria of finally posting something propels me out of my shell, but once that wears out. Help.

I do read and cherish every single comment I receive tho - and I’m very lucky to receive such thoughtful comments, too! Just know that if you’ve ever commented on any of my fic – ily <33

-- What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Uh. All of them? Aldkjfskfj okay, that’s a lie, but tbh it’d be easier to point at the ones that don’t have kinda bummer endings. I love me some angst. :3

The title for Angstiest def has to go to ‘friend make sense of me’ tho. Yowch.

-- What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

Oh, ‘be my fictional obsession’ for sure. Although ‘strawberry soju' is a strong contender, ultimately ‘bmfo’ is simply Sillier, so she takes the crown. :3

-- Do you write crossovers?

Not really! Though I have toyed around with writing AUs in other settings, the most recent of which is a BBC Merlin AU, which, let me tell you, has been tons of fun, even if I’ll probably never get around to finishing it lol.

-- Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I was about to say no because everyone has always been so lovely to me, but then I remembered that one person who bookmarked ‘like sugar and cyanide’ only to call it ‘lame’ for being self-indulgent and not ending with EraserMic getting together. Which was kinda funny ngl, because, like, my guy. The Unresolved Romantic Tension is right there in the tags, and also I repeatedly dunk on myself for being self-indulgent in just about every chapter note, so like, move along, sister, this is not the fic you’re looking for lmaoo.

-- Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope! Love me some innuendo and crass humor, but the most I ever see myself doing is a fade to black or maybe some vague allusion to the act (← see, I just did it), because it is simply not my cup of tea.

-- Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope, but I’d be open to it for sure!

-- Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Another no, though I’m not sure I’d be a good fit for it tbh. I’m a bit precious about my writing process. 😅

-- What's your all-time favorite ship?

Oh god, this is a Question. I mean, I have to say EraserMic given how much of my (fan) life it has consumed these past years, even if I do have some complicated, and at times contentious, thoughts and feelings about it.

QPR MicNight is right up there, though! I have just as complex and much less contentious feelings about QPR MicNight, my beloved. <3

I have so many QPR MicNight WIPs, you guys. One of these days, I’ll even finish one. orz

-- What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

CRIES. ALL OF THEM.

Okay, non-dramatic answer is ‘as the mists roll in at midnight,’ which is a WIP I started and finished outlining back in 2021 (it even got a title!) and then never got past the second chapter.

It’s a sort of house horror AU, featuring EraserMic, QPR MicNight, unexplained happenings in the woods, and a haunted inn that just wants to keep you safe. I love it so so much that I kind of got overwhelmed by my love for it, and thus my need for it to be perfect, and now I fear I shall never get back to it. </3

The same is true for so many of my WIPs, if I’m being honest. Shout out to Midnight Time Loop AU, ‘a song for a song,’ and ‘you know i make you wanna scream,’ the latter of which is the reason I no longer post multi-chap WIPs. rip.

-- What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and narrative voice. I get so many niceys comments on both, especially my narrative voice for Mic, which makes my heart do a happy dance every time. :)

-- What are your writing weaknesses?

Establishing and describing setting, unfortunately. The struggle to not end up with characters talking and introspecting in The Void all the time is real. OTL

Also there's the more technical stuff like my abuse of adverbs, em-dashes, and run-on sentences, as well as my point-blank refusal to kill my darlings at times, but I like to chalk all that up to Style, Vibes, and This Hobby is Supposed to Be Fun, Damnit, so we don't count any of that. :3

-- What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

No strong thoughts in particular, just the usual 'as long as it's done well' caveat. Though I do like when honorifics and such are sprinkled in here and there, hence why I tend to do so in my fic. I find it serves as a helpful reminder that these characters are Japanese, and thus hopefully helps to stave off some of that dreaded, inevitable Americanization of everything.

-- What was the first fandom you wrote for?

BNHA, which, let me tell you, came as a surprise not just to me, but also to anyone who knows me irl. I was famously Not Very Much Into Anime for most of my life. Go figure.

-- What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

BBC Merlin!

I watched (and was obsessed with) the show way back when, but have only recently gotten into the fandom, and good GOD has it been a struggle to not hop right in to writing fic for it, especially for Gwen/Morgana, my beloved toxic yuri queens. Only reason I haven’t is because I’m loathe to add to my already heaping WIP pile.

-- What's your favorite fic you've written?

Oof, this is a hard one.

‘strawberry soju’ has my heart right now because it felt like such a different undertaking than most of my previous work (it’s a 9k, non-linear, Aizawa POV one-shot! There’s actual kissing in it!) and also because I learned a lot while working on it. I didn’t have a real outline when I started writing, only a premise, one or two strong images of interactions I wanted to include, and several themes I wanted to touch on. It was a struggle working with such bare bones at times, but I'm glad I kept at it, because I'm proud of how much of the core themes and concepts came through in the final result.

However. If I’m being honest, my real answer to this question is the fic I wrote for Something Just Like This, an EraserMic zine I contributed to that is currently in production. I wrote that fic back in February, and it’s been absolute hell not being able to share it this whole time because I’m just so goddamn proud of it!! I won’t say anything else because I could go on forever about it and I’m contractually obligated to not spill the beans, but GOD I can’t wait for you all to read it. 🥺

-

Okay, that's enough yapping for now, but this was so much fun!! Thanks again for tagging me! <3

As for me, I'll tag @scream-mans-friend (no pressure!!) and anyone else who wants to take a crack at this. c:

[obey-me-mammon-lover69]

I wanna see your Obey Me MC ^-^

Ignore the colours, I just rlly like the dark black and the green theme

Thank you both for asking!!  I’m glad you were interested in seeing her!  All her stuff below

Warning: Spoilers for lesson 16, I started rambling a lot, also some light Belphie hate

Y’all can send me asks about her if you want ☞☜

Meet; Marilyn “Mini” LaCroix

Please ignore the older art, I’m planning on redrawing her soon

If you’re curious about the watermark, that’s my name on DeviantArt.  I don’t post too often tbh.

This is Marilyn LaCroix, I originally made her with the name ‘Mini’ in mind, so sometimes I’ll call her Mini, or Mimi.

If you zoom in on her eyes, you’ll notice they’re very dull.  It was an artistic choice, because Marilyn is blind.  Though she doesn’t have the type of blindness that causes faded coloured eyes, I just did that because I thought it’d look cute.

Marilyn has optic nerve blindness, meaning she can see some light shapes, colours, and some movements, but everything looks horribly distorted to her.  She’s legally and functionally blind.

Before entering the Devildom, she worked at a library, lived alone, and attended college normally studying literature.  When she was swept up, she had a hard time believing any of the men were demons and assumed she was kidnaped by a crazy cult until Lucifer made Marilyn touch Mammon’s wings and horns on his demon form.

Some HCS:

Marilyn hates touching people, or people touching her without permission.  Specifically, she hates being guided places and people acting like she’s glass because she’s blind.  She’s fine, thank you very much, please stop touching her back.

Despite studying for a degree in literature and working in a library back home Marilyn has no real plans for the future.  She’s just coasting along hoping she can find something she likes doing eventually.

Marilyn’s favourite things are to read and cook.

Because watching movies are extremely difficult neigh impossible, she has taken to reading the novelizations of movies written in braille so she can fully experience the movie.

She acts very spacey and somewhat serene.  Off the top of my head, I’d compare her personality most closely to Luna lovegood in the Harry Potter series.

Despite this she has a very strong sense of justice, and hates it when people treat others as useless

She’s quite well read, with a love for history, mythology, and religion.  Hearing all the boy's sins for the first time, she quickly realized 2 things.

1. There’s only 6 of the 7 deadly sins here

2. Where is Sloth?

Relationships with the boys along with what she associates them (colours, smells, touch, etc)

LUCIFER (Reds, blacks. Polished wood, paper. Hands are always gloved. They’re soft when ungloved, well moisturized):

I imagine if Lucifer had known she was blind, he would have never let her into the exchange program. Its already super dangerous for someone without a disability, adding one on top of it would almost be a death sentence.

But here she is

And Lucifer takes it as almost a challenge to prove that she is perfectly capable, because of course she is HE choose her for the program

Was actually shocked when he realized she’s legally blind

Started messaging Diavolo about adding braille to the signs and stuff around the Devildrom, and other things to help her

Despite his attempts to help her they routinely butt heads, mostly because Marilyn hates how Luci treats his brothers, and she is not afraid to speak her mind

Lucifer doesn’t hate her; he just finds her to be extremely nose

MAMMON (Golds, whites, hint of brown. Smells like dollar bills, a soft hint of iron like pennies, Soft hands): 

Mammon felt slighted when he realized Marilyn was blind, he has to take care of a stupid human and a broken one at that?!

He didn’t really mean the broken part, but it just slipped out and Marilyn and he set off on a rocky path relationship

Marilyn is always defending him from his brothers if they get too mean to him, and he has no clue how to feel about it but his chest clenches

and before long he realizes he had fallen in love with her, a stupid human...

Mammon is the only person that Marilyn lets touch her to guide her places, he frequently holds her lower back to guide her or grabs her hand to pull her somewhere

Mammon gives Marilyn piggybacks sometimes, especially if the terrain is really rocky because he’s afraid she’ll trip over something and hurt herself

Very protective of her because she’s a human, but extra protective because she’s blind and his only experience with blind people is from TV

She doesn't like how frantic he gets over her getting hurt, she lived alone and had a job and went to school all by herself back in the human realm, she can make herself a sandwich Mammon

He won’t admit it, but he loves her

She thinks he’s very kind and cute, and despite being spacey, she is completely aware of how much he likes her

LEVIATHAN (Purples, blues, hint of orange. Smells like the beach, and gamer sweat. Rough calloused hands):

Levi’s only experience with blind people is from Animes, he instantly thought of Lilly from Katawa Shoujo when he saw Marilyn

Swears up and down he plays Katawa Shoujo for the plot, but I’m getting off track

He had 2 reactions, 1. Oh, she must be like a secret badass to compensate for her blindness! Maybe she knows how to fight! and 2. She’s going to need a lot of help...

Started watching a lot more animes with blind characters when he met Marilyn so he could relate to her in some way

Was so sad when he realized there were almost no animes or manga about a romance with a blind girl (I only know 2 off the top of my head)

Levi was the first to find out Marilyn wasn’t born blind but was able to see until she was 4 years old when she lost her vision due to illness

Tried to show her animes with very bright colours and descriptive dialogue so she could get into anime and stop being a normie

Started a whole rant online about how anime and manga should be more accessible for the blind or visually impaired 

He hates people touching him and she hates people touching her, neither of them touches each other unless their lives depend on it

She frequently gets into spats with him because of what he says to Mammon

They’re at least acquaintances, but they’re not besties by any means

SATAN (Yellows, blues, greens. Smells like old books. Soft palms calloused fingers):

Due to his reading, he knew a cursory amount about blindness

He was the one who made the suggestion that Marilyn touch Mammon’s wings to prove they were demons

Marilyn has never forgiven him

Jokes aside, she did not like it

Satan also suggested she touch their faces to figure out what they look like, but Marilyn put her foot down and refused

Satan started reading a lot more about blindness, its causes, the different types of blindness etc so he could more properly accommodate for her

They talk a lot about the books they’ve read, and Satan started learning braille so he could translate his favourite series to her, and he could read any books she had on her

She hates it when he's mean to his brothers, mainly Mammon and tells him off a lot, which he very much dislikes

They get along occasionally, but they don’t talk too often, they’re the kind of friends that sit in the room and read different books and then talk to each other about said books

ASMODEUS (Pinks, blacks. Smells like flowers, but always different types. Dainty, well-manicured, soft hands):

Asmo thought she was pretty cute when she first entered the Devildom, and upon realizing she was blind thought she was even cuter for being fragile

Marilyn hates being called fragile or treated as fragile, and Asmo does it A LOT

He was under the impression that she saw the world as completely pitch black, and had no clue how she always matched her clothes colours until she finally mentioned that she can sorta see colours

He applies makeup for her because she has trouble with it without being able to see herself too well in the mirror 

Eventually stops babying her because he gets bored and just starts treating her like he does everybody else

Once asked her how he looked forgetting she was blind and she accepted it, "You look lovely, Asmo." He didn't realize till later that night what he had asked

Tries to take her out places to go partying with him, but she doesn't really like going to unfamiliar places that are too loud, she's much more of a homebody

Asmo is another one Marilyn goes after for how he treats his brothers and even other people due to his somewhat narcissistic traits

He finds her to be a little boring, but he likes how well she listens to him talk

He sometimes wonders if Marilyn even likes him, especially because she can't see how beautiful he is

BEELZEBUB (Oranges, purple, blue, whites. Smells like sweat, and whatever food he most recently ate. Large and rough hands):

TBH I imagine they don't really interact often

But when they do, they're both very quiet so they just sit in a room alone together in silence 

Beel loves her cooking though and that's really the only time they hang out

He constantly tries to sneak ingredients and Marilyn once was forced to whack his hand with a spoon

She apologized but she told him not to do it again

Does not give one shit that she's blind

It really does not matter to him, and because of that, he's the one who treats her the most like everyone else since the beginning.

Marilyn thinks he's sweet, but he needs more self-control 

Beel likes her cooking and tbh that's all he thinks matters

SPOILERS FOR LESSON 16, AND SOME BELPHIE HATE

BELPHEGOR (purples, and blues with the slightest dash of white. Subconsciously smells blood whenever she's near him. Rough palms but soft hands):

How she found the attic and went up all those stairs completely blind is unknown

but she did, and she did not believe him for one second

A human in the attic? Sounded far fetched, in fact, this reminded her of a twist in a novel she read

And the missing 7th brother? She was able to at least figure out, "Oh this is that one"

She played along and got the packs he required

Belphie did not care one second that she was blind, much like his twin that didn't matter to him. She was human, and that meant she had to die.

Marilyn accepted her death with grace, she would not beg, her last words to him were, "I never trusted you."

After everything was resolved, and Belphie tried to be nice to her, Marilyn froze him out

She's very cold to him, she does not talk to him, she tolerates him and that is it

She flinches every time he moves too fast towards her, and of all the boys she hates his touches the most

Belphegor knows why she's so cold, and he doesn't blame her for hating him, he probably hates himself too for it, especially seeing how her 'death' tore Mammon down

[strangerthings1975]

I have a few questions about writing sorry if there are too many:

Do you have any pre writing rituals? What do you write on (online)? Do you take a lot of notes (online or otherwise) or go with the flow? Did you plan every chapter before writing them? Do you write with background noise (music/shows/any sound at all)? Do you plan the time you will upload or just when you’ve finished (morning or evening)? How long does it take to write a chapter? How long does it take to edit a chapter? Do you edit as you go along? Do you read your fics after you’ve uploaded? Do you wish you’d of put things in other places (earlier or later in the story) ? Is there any parts that you wish where more of a story than they are (more in-depth than you went)? Do you have someone read before you upload?

Sorry I know it’s a lot but I’m really into learning writing processes right now, hope it’s okay to ask. Thank you.

Hello! This question is no bother at all. I don’t mind. 🖤🖤🖤

I have no ritual tbh. I just open a word document and start. I use Microsoft Word. Mostly I have an idea to begin with and no serious plan, but then once I get a little deeper into it and connect with the characters and the story more, the idea evolves and gets more complex. So then at that time I’ll stop and make a plan and figure out exactly where I want things to go and then start finetuning the writing to steer in that direction.

Like idk if you’ve read MPG, but for that it was just: I want Eddie to suck Steve’s dick through a glory hole. Then I was like okay, how is that gonna happen? Where is this hole? Why is Steve there? Then to answer those questions I developed some context, and then it was like oh, well how does Steve find out about the glory hole so he can actually proposition Eddie? So then I had Neil come into play, and he was only ever just supposed to be a random guy. Never planned for any drama. Never planned for Hellfire Club or Corroded Coffin to be a part of anything or for any other plot shit. It was just supposed to be 30k or so. Very quick. But then as I continued writing, I unearthed the need for Steve’s character arc and for Eddie to be more complex, and then I thought hmm maybe I should use the Hargroves as active villains and not just background fillers. And toyed with whether Steve should tell the truth about Neil sooner or later, couldn’t actually decide… And then Eddie offering Steve FWB was sooo unplanned. Didn’t know I was doing it until Eddie said the words. And then I was like okay we’re doing this now, so let’s connect dots/figure out how long it’s going to go on and what sex acts they’ll exchange and where. How much further will they bond before Eddie has enough? And around that time I was like okay I need a more concrete plan to work towards so I plotted out the next chapters but very vaguely. Like I knew I needed a fight. Couldn’t decide if it would take place when Eddie and Steve were together or when they were apart. Couldn’t decide which Hargrove it would be and why exactly but knew if it was going to be Billy I had to show him being at the Hideout once or twice before the fight night so it wouldn’t seem too convenient he was there. Which meant I had to find a place for Eddie to slip that detail. And I didn’t know what I wanted Neil’s fate to be. So I had to consider that. And also didn’t know when the rejection would be or how, just knew I needed Eddie’s hot and cold behaviour to come to a head. So it was probably around when I was writing Chapter 16/17 that I knew the Neil secret reveal and Steve’s love confession were going to be a 2 for 1. Initially was going to have it separate. You know so basically what I’m saying is I planned milestone events—sort of. But had no real idea of what the hell was going to happen most times. The characters like to do their own thing and surprise me. Which can be irritating.

Every chapter takes a different amount of time to write. The early ones (1-18) were sooo fast because I was extremely excited and all my ideas were flowing. Like I worked on each chapter for probably like a couple hours each evening after work, then alllll day Saturday/Sunday and that allowed me to update nearly once a week. But then my mental health took a huge hit, and chapter 20 was hard for me to write because it was my first time with such angst. I rewrote the breakup scene about four times. Ever since around that time (October) my mental health has been awful, so writing anything has been taking hours and hours of work because forming ideas and flow is like crawling uphill. It’s taken me approx. 3 weeks to get 3500 words written of chapter 26 for comparison. When I wrote basically the first 12 chapters in that same time.

I edit as I go too which is a habit I’m trying to break because it can be extremely disruptive. Like I’ll edit some sentences a few times until I get it just right. Especially the dialogue because it’s my favourite thing, and it’s important to me. But then once a chapter is done I’ll edit it again, and then maybe decide to add a scene, so then I’ll read the chapter again with that scene added, and then I’ll read it again like dozens more times and keep hacking at it or beefing it up until I feel satisfied. I don’t press the publish button lightly lmao. But despite all this effort I always always find typos in my work when I reread it later. Again, poor mental health makes this process gruelling because I hate everything and can’t tell if it’s actually good or bad. So I can’t trust my instinct. (Do not write when your mental health is bad. Seriously. I am a cautionary tale.)

So yes I do read my work after it’s posted. But mostly just to get the flow of the story before I start working on the next chapter. I did it with MPG at first. But then it got so long that I haven’t read it back for a while. If I’m talking about a certain thing or referencing old shit, my good memory helps with that. I’ll just CTRL-F a certain word to see when the last time they spoke about something was and how they spoke about it just to avoid redundancy and maintain consistency. But usually by the time I finish a work I’ve put so much effort into it I’m tired of looking at it. So it won’t be a while until I read them over again for actual enjoyment. I’m very hard on myself too and when I reread old work all I see is errors and things I could’ve changed. So I try not to torture myself like that.

I don’t plan the time I upload really. Just whenever a chapter is done and I think, okay I can’t even stand to look at this shit anymore… I post it. I don’t like to hold onto it. But I often regret it. Because the next day I’ll get an idea and think fuck I should’ve included that. But if that happens I just go back and edit the chapter right on ao3. It’s never anything major. Just little nitpicky things. But that answers your other question too. There is ALWAYS something I would change if I could go back in time. For this reason I won’t be posting WIPs anymore until I have them done, then I’ll just release one chapter at a time or post the whole thing at once. I’ve learned it the hard way unfortunately.

And no, I don’t have anyone read it before I post. I probably should because I know it would help me improve and give me new perspectives, and a few people have offered but I’m too insecure. Also too much of a control freak. It would irritate me if someone told me to change something, and then I’d wonder if I’m a useless failure who just shouldn’t bother writing anymore if they told me an idea I had wasn’t quite working… so best to avoid that.

My main process is just reading stuff to my mom (the non explicit shit) and asking her if it sounds right. And sometimes if I’m caught between a few choices I’ll ask her what she thinks is best to do. Sometimes she gives me answers and then I know what I *don’t* want to do. Which is helpful. Or if I read something that doesn’t sit well with me but I can’t tell why, I’ll highlight it to come back to.

And also I listen to music only. I’m not a tv on in the background kind of girl. If the tv is on I need to watch it. I don’t have specific playlists. Just whatever is the vibe. Like this is the vibe right now:

[strawberrydykke]

now that i know that i’m probably autistic everything just makes so much more sense. i’ve just always been very independent in my thinking and this explains why. 

I stopped shaving my legs when I was 16 because I fucking hate doing it. People gave me a lot of shit for it but I didn’t care enough to start again. When it’s fully grown out, my hair is very long and thick on my calves. Whenever I would wear shorts, girls in my class would always compliment my leg hair, tell me how much they hated shaving and how much they wished they didn’t have to. I would always say, you don’t have to, just stop, and they would laugh and say oh no, I have to. I understand logically that there’s a lot of social pressure on women to shave, but I don’t really feel that pressure. Like I understand why women shave even though they don’t want to do it, but I also don’t? It seems easier to just not do it, but I know that it’s not an easy decision for most women. It’s just hard for me to understand why it’s not an easy decision. I guess it’s the emotional aspect of that societal pressure that kind of eludes me. 

This is not quite in the same vein but I never understood when people talk about “really feeling” your emotions rather than just thinking about them. I don’t experience emotions as a physical sensation in my body. When I get anxious, my chest gets tight, or I might get nauseous, but I wouldn’t call those sensations anxiety. They’re caused by anxiety, but the feeling of anxiety is in my mind. When I feel happy, I don’t have physical sensations to that, I know that I’m happy because I’m thinking about it. I have worried that I’m too analytical of my emotions because I didn’t experience it how people say you should. but maybe this is just how my brain works and there’s nothing wrong with that. 

I’m also just very blunt and not many people appreciate that lol. One time my ex got a haircut that I hated, and in that situation you’re just supposed to lie and say you like it, right? What I said was, well, it’ll grow back. His sister was dating an addict in recovery at one point, and I asked her what she was going to do when he relapsed and everyone got PISSED OFF about it. My dad is an addict so I know how this stuff goes, I just thought it was a good idea for her to prepare herself and have an idea of what she would do in that situation. But it wasn’t an acceptable thing to say in that situation. He did relapse and she enabled the fuck out of him, so I feel vindicated in having asked tbh. 

Anyway. I’m kinda frustrated because I don’t really have anyone to talk about being autistic with. I’ve told a few of my friends about it, but when I try to talk about it in detail I get told that everyone thinks and behaves the way that I do. And I just don’t think that’s true! Other non autistic people might behave in some similar ways, but they probably don’t have all of my behaviors and they definitely don’t think this way to the same extent I do. I just end up feeling very misunderstood. 

[elf-bot]

Super Junior ask game, and gimme the long in detail answers 👀 1, 3, 4, 5, 14, 16, 57, and 97 🤍

ok here i go ⌨️⌨️!! lol adding a ‘read more’ here because is long and might be annoying, thanks for the ask!

1. When did you become an ELF?

2020 right before quarantine started and covid happened. i have so little around but at the same time it feels like an eternity, they do have a lot of content and i did watch a lot of it during quarantine. i feel in some way i missed a lot of stuff with suju in real time lol i wish i discovered them earlier in my life, but i think they came at the right moment. 😊

3. What was your first impression of SuJu?

well they look serious and really are professionals when it comes to work, i thought they'd be like that and a little boring, i was fucking WRONG. right after i found their music i went straight to check some of their shows, and i watched super tv first, they're fucking crazy pls. and this old show explorers of the human body with tiny sujus? A MASTERPIECE. i'm so glad they have a funny side too, i love them so much and they're absolute professional dorks.

4. First SuJu song you listened to?

officialy? it was ‘2ya2yao’ lol. but i am pretty sure i heard ‘mr. simple’ and ‘bonamana’ somewhere without knowing they are suju songs.

5. Latest SuJu song you listened to?

‘feels good’ from mr simple album. for some reason i want to strip to that song lmao.

14. A member you’d be friends with?

i’d love to be friends with kyuhyun, leeteuk and shindong for reaaaal. i love kyuhyun’s smart sarcasm, leeteuk sometimes is so cringey and i find that kinda cute, and shindong is just so clever and funny at the same time. i’d say all of them in the end HAHAHAHA. but mostly them.

16. The member who is most different than your first impression of them?

the first time i saw donghae i thought he was going to be the most serious but outgoing member of all of them, turns out he’s very cute and a little silly sometimes hahaha. maybe that’s why i see him being very manly and like a very serious person, i mean he is to my eyes lol. same thing happened with siwon. i love this duality they have tho. i think it also applies to all of them, one minute they be performing like pros or doing a serious photoshoot and the next one they’re a fucking disaster, i’m here for that.

57. A new subunit you’d like to see?

83 line sub unit asap pls. also yesung and heechul sub unit. i mean they’ll just debut another sub unit 17 years after they debut, i can still dream, right?!! i am very excited for shinwonteuk tbh. i’ll be fucking replaying their songs non-stop, i am so ready for it. i didn’t think i’d get to experience a sub unit debut since the last one that debuted it was suju d&e like 11 years ago so this is a complete blessing for me because that means they’re not going anywhere and i’ll fucking stay here, hell yes. so please give me teukchul and yechul, thanks! 😭

97. Is SuJu your ult group? What other kpop and non-kpop artists do you like?

they are hahaha. i like some other groups and soloists, like some shinee, exo, nct, h.o.t, bigbang, jessi (she’s not kpop i think), 2ne1, f(x), hyuna, dawn, rain, and a lot more that i can’t remember haha. for non-kpop i’m a very pop person, i listen to old songs a lot, and i like disco (like tina turner, abba, donna summer and such), and recently a lot of artists released disco inspired albums and songs and i loved it! coming back to the main point, they are my ult group and artists. they bring a lot of joy to my life that i never felt before with another artist.